It's Your Problem, Not Mine

Why am I here and what is my purpose? I constantly ask that question to see if I'm living "on purpose" and in alignment with my highest self.

In the most simple of words, I was born to be a catalyst for people to transform their lives into living "on purpose". I am living in this truth, yet I am challenged, sometimes daily.

The seemingly simple act of my housemate's choice to tell me a day before his rent is due by email, that he would be late in paying me his share of the rent has me thinking that I need to set boundaries (again) with someone who doesn't understand what being 100% responsible means. We co-habit the same home. I am approachable. I prefer to have business transactions face to face, when it affects my life and my daily operations. Not by email...

One of the concepts in my coaching practice I instill in my clients is to be 100% responsible for their lives. That means all of their lives. Whatever needs to be addressed, no matter how large or how small needs to be taken care of. Not a day before there is an issue. It needs immediate attention. Chris, my housemate, told me a story about his car breaking down while his kids were visiting last weekend, and that's why his rent isn't going to be on time. I'm not one for other people's stories. In fact, I like to deal with fact and not story.

So, in a sense, he's making his problem my problem.

That doesn't work for me. I've told him this situation of paying the rent late or in installments doesn't work for me once before, and lo and behold, it hasn't happened for months, and now it shows up again. If he would have come to me sooner, then I can plan for these things. But a steady diet of irresponsible behavior (and yes, I consider this irresponsible, when rent is due on the 1st and it's not there) will manifest nothing but more of the same in all areas of one's life. His justification was that his rent check was early for a few months.

I had many, many unexpected expenses this past month. Car maintenance, cat vet bills, eye exam and new glasses. Yet, I don't go to the mortgage company and whine "I've had big expenses this month, can you take a rain check for my payment until I get things straightened out?" My credit would be in the toliet if I operated that way. I know what money it takes to meet my expenses, and those bills come around regularly, like clockwork every month. Sometimes, I have unexpected expenses, and I deal with them effectively, too. That's being 100% responsible.

My coaching mentor, Debbie Ford, has a saying that I always think about. "No one is coming to save you." No one can do what you can do for yourself. Sure, it's important to have support when you need it or you're down on your luck. But if you exhibit behaviors day in and day out that aren't in alignment with what you want in life, you are committed to something other than what you say you want. And I'm not the person who is going to save you. In fact, I face these very issues myself, and I can only save myself from going down a path of denial and self-sabotage. I'm working on my issues; those problems are mine, and they are not yours. Likewise, I don't want your problems, either.

I know from personal experience. I said this past week, I was committed to getting my taxes ready to enter into spread sheets so I could file my return early. I did some organizing and I'm feeling better about the work I've done, but I still haven't organized my tax papers yet. So, I got to really take a look at what I was committed to this weekend. I would say I was committed to movement and dance, taking care of my 18 year-old cat who has been sick, household chores, and connecting with people. All of those are good things to have scheduled in one's life for balance, and setting priorities is important. But ignoring or denying important or critical time-sensitive tasks needing attention is like drawing a bath upstairs, running the water, then deciding to go watch an hour-long television show downstairs. Sooner or later, the water is going to flood the upstairs, collapse the ceiling, flood the downstairs, and there's no ignoring expense, mess, and stress that flood restoration can entail.

What can you do today to show the Universe you are 100% responsible for your life? Are you willing to contain your "story" so it doesn't spill into the lives of others, affecting them to take action for your irresponsible behavior? Are you willing to take care of incompletions that hold your energy, both in the areas of relationship and tasks? What will you do today to energetically get what you want and release what isn't working? All it takes is one step in the direction of being responsible, and you will see great changes happening in your world. Guaranteed!

Shame, Guilt, Self-Sabotage, and Coming Clean

"It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized." I Ching

Concealing and withholding hides a shadow belief, guilt, or shame about something in our past. The ego creates a clever laundry list of obstacles to healing old wounds. Justifications, excuses, blame, resentment, righteous positions, and arrogance all mask a repressed quality or hidden action that we would rather not take responsibility for. We may justify what we did by saying "I did that in the past; it has no bearing on my life now".

Until we stop the trance of denial by standing in the truth of our past, that very energy that we conceal, don't want to feel, or deny holds more of our future in bondage than anyone can fathom. Withholding due to shame or guilt may even seem like setting a personal boundary; when we don't come clean with ourselves, our actions, and our relations in every way to cleanse our psyche, we're bathing ourselves in unclean conditions, and we still embody the same very toxic feelings that shamed us. When we tell ourselves a story or interpret events that imprint guilt as something from our past that doesn't require a thorough clean-up, and we choose the option of hiding behind our justifications or excuses, that very shame and guilt weaves its way into our lives like the mismatched thread running through a yard of fabric; if that one ill-fitting thread isn't fully integrated into the whole weave cleanly, it disintegrates the whole fabric of our lives. Withholding and not coming clean with shame or guilt will show up again and again as a pattern somewhere in relationships, and is a clear form of self-sabotage. Quoting my mentor, Debbie Ford, "the guilty seek punishment". When we don't clean our house internally, the consequences can be devastating. Relationships implode, lives can be impacted negatively, and ultimately, that shame and guilt will follow us wherever we go, like lead weights strapped to our body.

When we illuminate the darkest actions and deeds and the pain we inflicted onto others by projection, and take responsibility for our actions in a clear manner, then we are able to observe what needs cleaning up. When we are willing to be truthful, without any deception that the ego can blanket us with, we can step into responsibility and clear out the clutter of unfinished business. From there, the heart can open to true forgiveness, for self-forgiveness and to ask forgiveness to any relations who stepped into the cross-hairs of the shame or guilt we claimed and projected. Going through a total process of completing any unfinished business, taking responsibility, and opening the door to forgiveness offers our multi-colored, woven life threads integration, and the opportunity to create alignment with our most deepest desires.

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Michael Jackson's Words

Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

"Consciousness expresses itself through creation. This world we live in is the dance of the creator. Dancers come and go in the twinkling of an eye, but the dance lives on. On many an occasion, when I am dancing, I have felt touched by something sacred. In those moments, I felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists. I become the stars and the moon. I become the lover and the beloved. I become the victor and the vanquished. I become the master and the slave. I become the singer and the song. I become the knower and the known. I keep on dancing and then, it is the eternal dance of creation. The creator and the creation merge into one wholeness of joy. I keep on dancing—until there is only... the dance.

–Michael Jackson 1992

May you dance amongst the stars now, dear Michael.

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