Long-Suffering Fan or Fan of Long Suffering

I was born in Cleveland, Ohio, as were my two older brothers. One of my brothers grew up watching and playing sports. Now he’s in his fifties. Following the major league sports teams of Cleveland has been a way of live for him, as for many die-hard Cleveland sports fans. No professional team in the city has won a championship since the Cleveland Browns won the NFL championship in 1964. My brother calls the fans of Cleveland the most long-suffering fans of any city with the three major league sports played on their city’s turf. They get close to winning it all, and somehow, championship slips through their fingers, and the fans’ heartbreak lingers.

For now, my brother is mostly a sports spectator, especially of Major League Baseball. My brother possesses an exclusive, multi-decades-old devotion to the Cleveland Indians, and a vast knowledge of the history, the legacy, and rules governing the game. I don’t know a whole lot about sports, but after spending some quality baseball-watching time around my brother, I have a bit more knowledge than I had in, say the last 40 years of my life.



Anyone who knows anything about the MLB realizes that soon the playoffs will take place, setting the stage for the World Series. Cleveland clinched the American League’s Central Division championship on September 23, 2007, their 7th central division title in 13 years, assuring the Tribe’s place in the 2007 playoffs. I know this excites my brother.

I never realized what a grueling schedule a Major League Baseball team adheres to, in one year’s time. Compared to the seventeen weeks that the National Football league plays in a regular football season, a typical baseball season has well over 158 games played. Cleveland is tied for the most wins this season (the eastern division’s Boston Red Sox also has won 94 games this season).

Chief Wahoo

The last time the Cleveland Indians held a division championship was 2001. The last time the Tribe won the World Series was 1948. Tribe fans are joyously looking for that victory to savor, and just maybe, the long-suffering fans of Cleveland will enjoy the sweet taste of a championship this year. Then perhaps the fans can let go of their past.

Looking at myself, can I let go of what keeps me stuck? I know if I let go of my past, I can move forward with more intensity and more vitality. For me, if I ignore what I’m feeling, I hold on to the energy of resistance, and the feeling persists. I would say I’ve been an unwitting fan of long suffering. I’ve resisted so many of the feelings (of course they didn’t “feel” good, and ignoring or numbing them was how I dealt with sadness, anger, disappointment, instead of allowing the feeling to move through my body, and out of my energy field). I wallowed in the deeds of my past. That allowed me to be stuck in my story, and basically I gave my power away. I became a victim.

Each day, when I stay in consciousness, I move toward change, through physical movement, transformative studies, and meditation. I have to possess a blatant intolerance toward hanging onto suffering, with consciousness.

“Fan” is a word derived from fanatical. The definition of fanatical is filled with excessive and single-minded zeal or obsessively concerned with something.

Each day, I give up a little of my “fan” based thinking that doesn’t serve my highest good. Beliefs and ideas about security, finances, what I can or can’t do, that I’m not good enough or pretty enough, or that things “should” be a certain way are reviewed; those fanatical beliefs and concepts are being replaced by radically empowering ideas. And slowly, my life is changing. Sometimes it’s a subtle change, sometimes it’s a major shift.

So here’s a question to ponder. Are you a long-suffering fan, or a fan of long suffering? You have a choice of how you perceive life, and how you live it. Shift your perception, and your life will shift, too. The Universe supports whatever you are zealous about. Whatever you are obsessing about, whether it’s what you want or what you don’t want, you are attracting that very thing.

Whatever you choose to be concerned about, somehow works for you (only you can decide if it’s working in your benefit or detriment). Maybe, you’re ready to choose something different for yourself; to allow your gifts and your self-love to bring you more of what you want. You have to be your biggest fan in this life.

Hey, and I’m cheering you (and myself) on to victory!

Each Day Is A Little Gift

Thursday, the 30th of August was the day since Sedona’s passing that I didn’t find myself crying when I woke up from my night’s sleep.

Friday, the 31st, was the first time I could meditate after Sedona’s passing. I found myself with a little time before work, so I sat in my favorite chair to meditate in, and allowed myself the time to let go.

At first, Sturgis was meowing loudly upstairs. I called to him, to comfort him and let him know everything was okay. Okay is a signal word for Sturgis, and it was for Sedona, too. They understood that okay meant things were good in the world. Most of the time, they would get whatever they wanted after the Okay word.

Sturgis, looking a little spooky.

I settled down to meditate, which was easy and effortless for me. I didn’t have an agenda, and I usually allow whatever needs to come through to move through me in meditation. A while into the meditation, my mind saw my beautiful Sedona’s face. It surprised me to see her. As I saw her in my meditation, I experienced her spirit. I suddenly felt my body become truly weightless. That has never happened to me before in a meditation, nor in a sleep state. I don't fly in my dreams; I'm usually anchored to the earth.

I felt so peaceful, and knew this was Sedona’s message to me of her pleasure with her new-found state, and that it was unlike the weighty physicality of this life. What I felt was love and being loved at the same time. I can't even create the words to express that feeling or being. I felt a gift was given to me.

When I opened my eyes after meditating, I realized the meditation was about 20 minutes long, and created the space within me to recognize the beautiful time and the wonderful years I spent with my special companion, Dona.



Saturday the first of September, I went to Boulder to pick up Sedona’s ashes. Never did I think I would be bringing her home in a little round wooden box.

The box fit my car’s cup holder perfectly, so I could transport her ashes back safely.

Sturgis continues to get a lot of love from me. He’s such a sensitive boy cat. He likes to rub against me while I'm sitting at the computer, and he likes when I gently pull his tail. He's waiting for me to give him a hug. I could use one, too!

Sedona August 1991 – August 2007

Sedona, my beloved black and white tuxedo cat of 16 years passed into the spiritual realm and out of her physical body on August 24, 2007. Every day I lived with her and with my other cat companion, Sturgis, who survives her, has been a day I started with joy and love. Each and every day I have lived with them, I told them I love them, and have thanked them for choosing to be with me, and living their lives with me. When I retired to bed, I would find them wherever they were, and let them know, again, how much I loved and thanked them for their gift of unconditional love and acceptance. My nickname for Sedona was Dona, and she loved being called by her nickname.

Sedona was a very extraordinary feline. She had wisdom beyond being an animal, wild or domesticated, and I deemed her a “shaman cat” early in her life. She was an old soul in the body of a feline. She was a natural healer of a cat, and if there was a place I hurt or injured or stressed on my body, she would naturally gravitate toward that place, and set herself down beside my hurt body. I asked her to “just be a cat, not a little nurse”, but she must have sensed that was part of her purpose. She was always calm, and had an enormous, courageous heart. She didn’t fear much of anything or anybody, although she didn’t like when I ran the vacuum cleaner. She didn’t run away from anything. She loved sitting in the light of the sun, and her black fur absorbing the heat like a solar panel.



Sedona adored playing with Sturgis, but not too rough, and she would make it known when she had enough. She had a ridiculous looking fabric sewn toy fish, Teenie Sardini, which has catnip sewn into its interior that she loved to play with, and she would even wrap her little paws around Teenie while she took a snooze. Dona loved cantaloupe and honeydew melon, chicken-flavored cat treats (cookies) and if you uttered the word “cookies” she would hound you until she received her special addiction. She relished being petted and rubbed on her belly. I obliged her any chance I could.

Sedona was born in Charlottesville, Virginia. When my former husband Greg and I went to look for another cat to keep company with Sturgis, we went to the SPCA of Charlottesville. The animal shelter had a room full of little kitties, called the Cat House. There were a lot of sweet animals to choose from. A man and woman held a little black and white cat for a while and exclaimed that the cat didn’t purr, then decided she wasn’t for them and put the little girl kitty down on one of the many cat condos in the “kitty” room. Greg and I went over to the little kitty, picked her up, and she purred and purred, and that’s when Sedona chose us to be her family. Her purring was always loud and pleasurable. She loved her cat life, and I made sure I would give her as much love and affection as possible.

Sedona and I had a very special bond, and as the years grew, the bond became stronger. She loved being brushed and groomed, and she sometimes “groomed” me, by licking me for a while with her little pink sandpaper-like tongue. Last year, she could no longer jump up on my bed, so I bought her some “doggy steps”. She didn’t need any coaching from me to use them; she knew they were there for her, and that made her quite happy. She usually came to visit me on my bed before I went to sleep, or during the night. Sometimes, especially when the weather became cold, she would ask to come under the covers, and she’d cuddle with me, right in my arms, usually until I fell asleep.

Dona masked her illness, which still hasn’t been formally diagnosed. I had taken her to the vet about 5 months before because I was concerned about her, and she had an episode that seemed like a seizure. They couldn’t find anything wrong with her then. On the 23rd, I noticed Dona didn’t make it upstairs. She was lying where I left her about 11:30 pm (and I woke up about 5:30 am to feed both Sturgis and Sedona). I picked her up, and carried her upstairs, so she could use the litter box. As I carried her, I felt her life force was weak, which was unusual for her. (I naturally do energy work and energy reading, and I was very worried.) I noticed her breathing was very labored, and she used the litter box with no problem. I stayed with her for a few minutes, and watched her breathing, and knew she was struggling to breathe. I called the emergency animal hospital and got her carrier, and drove to Boulder. We got there at the animal hospital about 6:30 am.

The people at the animal hospital were so good to her, and they put her on oxygen to help her breathe. At 8:00 am, they switched over to the “vet” clinic, from the animal hospital, and ran all sorts of tests, with nothing conclusive as to what was going on. They treated her on many levels, yet there wasn’t a jump on improvement. Dona was a challenging patient for them, because they couldn’t hear her heart or lungs; every time they would touch her, and try to “scope” her, she would purr. It was not hard to fall in love with such a gentle creature like Sedona.

I observed her deteriorate in the matter of 48 hours, unable to breathe easily, unable to use the litter box, and she barely was able to move herself about without stumbling. I couldn’t prolong her suffering any longer, nor have her poked and prodded and more. It was time for me to say goodbye.

I feel like I have a big hole in my heart, and I know in time, it will heal. For now, I need to feel what I feel, which is gratitude and grief. I feel a loss that is very deep. I will do some compensation for my loss, by loving on Sturgis as much as possible. I know he is missing his companion, too.

Sedona gave me so very, very much. Dona gave me so much joy, laughter (she had a very good sense of humor as you can tell from the photo), forgiveness, and above all, real unconditional love. She taught me to be happy in the moment, and to always say “I love you” and “I’m grateful you’re a part of my life”. My heart is full and empty at the same time, thinking about my beautiful Dona.

Working with Change and Cleaning Strawberries

"Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new center of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a different way to stand."

Oprah Winfrey

Sometimes doing something different is, well, different!

This morning my regular “workout place” is closed. It will be closed for maintenance and upgrading of equipment for six more days. I really look forward to going to the recreation center for my exercise and stretching. I’m not fanatical, but in order to feel fitter and enjoy fitness as a welcome, regular activity, I like working out at my rec center. Marty, the smiling, upbeat, and highly goofy reception person greets me before my workout, and he always says something that has me laughing (and at 5:30 am, that is a huge feat). He takes my pass, scans it, asks if I need a lock or a towel, and then I’m on my way to working out, first with stretching, then on the cardio machines.

Annual pass holders for my neighborhood recreation center are invited to visit the recreation center in the next town over (about 6 miles away) while maintenance week is taking place. The rec center in the next town opens their doors a bit later than the one in my town, so I planned my day today to go and be there when the center opened.

When I drove up to the recreation center, I noticed a line had formed outside, with people waiting for the facility to open, although it was time to open. I never had to wait for my neighborhood center to open, so this was a different experience. Since I’ve never worked out at this facility, I had to ask where the cardio machines where (I had to go up a flight of stairs to get to the workout machines). They were situated in the corners of the second floor (there is a track around the perimeter of the second floor that people can walk or run on). This was another different environment to adjust to; another opportunity. None of the machines were lined up with one another; they were sort of staggered about so they could fit the maximum amount of equipment in the minimized space. A woman with perfume started working out next to me (and I admit, I get challenged with fragrance in a work-out environment), so I physically and mentally focused my energy toward my exercise, and the radio show I had downloaded to my MP3 player. The machine was nice, and a little newer than the elliptical cross-trainer I normally use.

I worked out for 30 minutes on this machine, and I made it through my workout; it was different than what I was used to.

I decided it was a good day to work with “different”.



When I came home, I was very hungry. For breakfast, I normally make a shake or smoothie in the morning, with protein powder, crushed ice, a small amount of juice, and fresh or frozen fruit. I blend those ingredients together so it's nice and smooth. That seems to fill me up, and I feel like I’m getting a pretty nutritious meal for the time I spend putting it together.

I pulled out two quarts of organic strawberries from the refrigerator to prep. I squatted down to a low kitchen cabinet, reached in to find a plastic colander to place the strawberries in to rinse off and clean. I also pulled out a container to hold the strawberries once I cleaned them, from out of the same cabinet. I did all this as quietly as possible, since my roommate sleeps downstairs below the kitchen, and it was still early morning.

I’m right handed, I thought I would change the way I go through the process in the present moment, so I picked up the knife with my left hand and began cutting off the green tops of the strawberries carefully, using the hand I don't normally use for writing, cutting, or doing fine detailed hand work. Precision wasn’t the key here, being present in the moment was, though. I noticed the black-handled knife in my non-dominant hand and as I brought awareness to the process of cleaning and slicing strawberries. I brought awareness to how the process felt awkward, yet I was open to the awkward feeling, and more curious than judgmental. I observed the texture of the seedy protective outer fruit, the pressure level it took to slice through the fruit, the sweet and tangy fragrance of the fruit, carefully cutting away what I perceived as a less-than-fresh spot on the strawberry. I brought my awareness to my feet, as they grounded me in the moment, on the earth, feeling the coolness of the linoleum floor through my white gym socks, knowing below my feet, downstairs, my roommate might be still dreaming. I noticed the refreshing wet feeling of the rinsed strawberries and the cool, sticky dampness of my upper back, still moist from my workout.

Doing things differently without judgment encourages me to stay in the present moment, and allows me to move through all things that are different and unknown with more faith and less fear.

Divine Purpose

"You are creating your next moment. That is what's real."

Sarah Paddison

Every day, I do my best to be aware that I am a human being with a divine nature.

Yes, I laugh and I cry, and I find myself emoting happiness as well as sadness, and everything in between. That is the human experience. I can stay in the place of judgment, even of my emotions, and that usually doesn’t move me closer to my divine purpose. Once an emotion is present, there’s no stopping it. Stifling emotions in the body creates an energy block, and in my understanding, eventually dis-ease. Emotions are energy in motion. Moving that energy of emotion and feeling and releasing what isn’t serving my higher nature is vital (as in vital signs of life). Reaching for what best serves my higher nature helps me connect more with my divine nature. For myself, I do a lot of this energy moving through dance and the 5Rhythms practice of Gabrielle Roth. Sometimes I play some music I like to sing to (usually something fun or even humorous). I also bring awareness to my body and my breath, whether I’m sitting at a computer working, or standing in line at the local grocery store.

You can try this exercise right now. As you sit and read this, bring awareness to your breath. Notice the breath coming into your body, and notice the breath leaving your body. If you sit with a backrest, notice how your back feels as it leans into the backrest. Is your spine straight, or is your posture a little slumped? Is your abdomen loose and full or tucked in and tight? Notice these things with curiosity. You don’t need to change or judge anything. Simply bring awareness to your body. You’re in the presence of your divinity simply by observing your body-awareness in the present moment, without judgment. You're focusing on your essential state of being; your body is where this expression bursts through to create your experience.

When I choose to penetrate the human shell of protection and I become fully aware, of my emotions, my judgment of those emotions, and the fear that drives my judgment, transformation has a chance to take hold. I can choose another experience. In an instant, I can choose; it’s about decision and choosing to have another experience and release the old experience. That choice of selecting another experience is more about discernment than judgment, and opening up to what I want in my life, instead of feeding the fear of what I don’t want.

The best metaphor for observing that place of transformation and choice is by simply noticing the breath. There is the inhalation, there is the exhalation AND there is the space between inhaling and exhaling. The space that connects the inhalation and exhalation is the place of nothingness and infinite possibility, the void where all is possible.

When I’m engulfed within that timeless, placeless state, I can ask myself, without the filters of my story, if I’m “on purpose” in allowing my divine nature to come through. When the answer is a resounding “yes”, I know I can have whatever I am seeking to manifest in my life.

Meditation-An Everyday Practice

We live in a vast world of stimuli and information. We can turn on the television and listen to live or taped broadcasts, pick up a cell phone and answer a call from anywhere in the world, read email messages on our computer from friends and relatives, and search the internet for anything we want to know about or purchase. Psychologists have started calling this energetic bombardment of information glut by a new term. They call it “data smog”.

Is it any wonder people become addicted to their electronic playthings? There is a sense of instant response with machines. That isn’t all bad. It’s great to have so many choices.

It’s also great to press the “power off” button.

I’ve heard James Ray, one of the featured speakers from the DVD “The Secret” say if you can be with yourself in a room, without a phone to answer, a television to turn on, a computer, and be your only companion for a few hours, and find contentment, chances are, you like yourself (and your own company). If you like your own time with yourself, when you’re ready and want to venture out, you’ll probably attract good company to you, too.

Meditation allows me to turn the “power off” button, so I can “power on” with more fun, intensity, peace, and joy when I interact with others. I have more "self-joy", too.

Shut down, reboot, refresh… That’s meditation for me.

I find one of the most powerful ways for me to feel grounded and connected to life, source energy, and myself is by practicing meditation every day.

Dr. Susan Gregg wrote a book called The Complete Idiot's Guide to Short Meditations. She also has a website called www.shortmeditations.com. She is a wonderful facilitator of meditation and a great resource to explore.

I have found that there is no wrong way to meditate. In the beginning it wasn’t all that easy to quiet my mind. I actually started to meditate using the Holosync™ Program and have recommended these CDs to people, always with positive results. These CDs are definitely recommended for those people who do have an active mind, and want to quiet the “chatter” and explore the benefits of meditation. I even have fallen asleep to my CDs, and like I say, there isn’t a right or wrong way to meditate.

To find the Holosync™ CDs, and try a free demo, click here.

There are many physical, emotional, and spiritual benefits to meditation. I have noticed more energy, vitality, and usually something really great comes into my life after a meditation session. Here’s a link from Psychology Today on the benefits of meditation, and you can do your own self-exploration on self-exploration http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20030424-000003.html.

Many times, I don’t use my Holosync CDs, since meditation has become a daily practice, like brushing my teeth. I check in with myself and know what I need to do before my session. Sometimes I put on soft and soothing music for some background ambience. Sometimes I meditate in silence (I live in a townhome, so there isn’t complete silence, and the meditation practice has helped me be accepting about even hearing “neighbors”). I can even find a way to meditate in a noisy restaurant for a few minutes. I close my eyes, focus on my breath, and allow the opportunity to journey within, to be in a place of present moment focus, and to slow my mind down. I unhook from thoughts, judgments, and just notice sensations, breath, and still myself and tune inward.

Sometimes my meditation time is short (15 minutes). Sometimes I have the opportunity to meditate for an hour or so. Sometimes I set a clear intention for my meditation, and sometimes I just close my eyes and allow the meditation to flow, trusting that whatever I need for myself happens and is perfect.

For me, I don’t have an agenda when I meditate; the process of allowing whatever needs to flow through or empty from my mind is the process of opening up to something larger than myself. I completely surrender to that source energy to move within, and through me.

There is a saying that spiritual practice takes practice. And it's all good!

Everyday Failures

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Thomas A. Edison

When you read the header on this post, what came up for you? Take a bit of time, and really think about something in your life that was a complete fiasco.

If you shrugged the experience off, never to look at the experience or any of the components leading to the failed situation ever again, maybe I can give some perspective and coaxing to look again, with fresh eyes and an open heart.

Chances are, if you attempted to accomplish something, just one time, and failed at it, you could be one of those perfectionists I hear about. My guess is you are good at a lot of things, so that's really a great asset, be it in building a business or a cultivating a great relationship. There are so many gems to be garnered from failure, yet sometimes we get caught up in our stories of what the experience SHOULD have been like, or we reflect on our past, and get stuck. We play safe, without taking the risks that will push us into our true greatness.

Move through it and get unstuck! It'll be worth it!

Create a list of everything you learned from the situation and “pan for the gold” from what may be perceived as the murkiness of the experience. Creating the list and brainstorming what worked, especially with someone who supports your project unconditionally, will put things into perspective, as well as help you create a game plan of what could be improved. This brainstorming will allow you to see that the experience came about to teach you something new and great. Part of my path in success coaching is coming up with creative ways to see those gems in the dust, so that you can cash in on the ideas and shift those ideas to successful outcomes.

Take a look at the things you do every day, and do well every day. Those things you do have allowed you a certain degree of confidence in your continued success to do them again and again. Let’s pick one thing. Say you turn your computer on, and once it “boots up”—do they really say that still—it’s good to go, and you get to do what you want to on the computer. That would be a success (yes, maybe, you think, a small success, but none the less, the expected outcome was achieved).

Since I’ve had the opportunity to press the “on” button on my computer and have absolutely nothing happen resembling a working computer, I am always gratified to acknowledge a resounding “yes” when things work. I take nothing for granted in this life, and have gratitude for the small and the large victories in life.

Certainty is great, especially when it's driven by internal knowledge. We learn more from the uncertainties in life; that's where the opportunity lies dormant. Turn it on, and wake it up, and kick-start your creativity. The world is waiting for your gift.

If you are pursuing a “dream”, have come to a point of being where you live the dream, breathe the dream, and are taking action and responsibility, doing all the “right” things, and the outcome is still less than stellar, here’s a great idea. Step away from the “dream”, and gain a new perspective. You still have your vision, and you’re just taking a break. Do yourself a favor, and take the emphasis out of the “dream” and what it means. Make the goal to have some fun. After all, at first, you’re experimenting with something you haven’t quite mastered. Make a list of why you want what you want to succeed, including the feelings of when success is at hand. Have faith in your creation. Remember that God’s delays are not God’s denials.

The first time you do something, even if you are great at what you do, chances are, there’s going to be something that you haven’t counted on. The richness and jewel lies in this lesson. I encourage you to embrace the things that didn’t work, as well as what did work, and refine, define, and move forward.

Make another list, and challenge yourself to come up with 50 ideas to improve your process, so you can experience more of what you want, success-wise.

Test and repeat, refine, define, and have fun with your growth.

A failure is only true failure when you don’t learn anything from the experience.