Long-Suffering Fan or Fan of Long Suffering

I was born in Cleveland, Ohio, as were my two older brothers. One of my brothers grew up watching and playing sports. Now he’s in his fifties. Following the major league sports teams of Cleveland has been a way of live for him, as for many die-hard Cleveland sports fans. No professional team in the city has won a championship since the Cleveland Browns won the NFL championship in 1964. My brother calls the fans of Cleveland the most long-suffering fans of any city with the three major league sports played on their city’s turf. They get close to winning it all, and somehow, championship slips through their fingers, and the fans’ heartbreak lingers.

For now, my brother is mostly a sports spectator, especially of Major League Baseball. My brother possesses an exclusive, multi-decades-old devotion to the Cleveland Indians, and a vast knowledge of the history, the legacy, and rules governing the game. I don’t know a whole lot about sports, but after spending some quality baseball-watching time around my brother, I have a bit more knowledge than I had in, say the last 40 years of my life.



Anyone who knows anything about the MLB realizes that soon the playoffs will take place, setting the stage for the World Series. Cleveland clinched the American League’s Central Division championship on September 23, 2007, their 7th central division title in 13 years, assuring the Tribe’s place in the 2007 playoffs. I know this excites my brother.

I never realized what a grueling schedule a Major League Baseball team adheres to, in one year’s time. Compared to the seventeen weeks that the National Football league plays in a regular football season, a typical baseball season has well over 158 games played. Cleveland is tied for the most wins this season (the eastern division’s Boston Red Sox also has won 94 games this season).

Chief Wahoo

The last time the Cleveland Indians held a division championship was 2001. The last time the Tribe won the World Series was 1948. Tribe fans are joyously looking for that victory to savor, and just maybe, the long-suffering fans of Cleveland will enjoy the sweet taste of a championship this year. Then perhaps the fans can let go of their past.

Looking at myself, can I let go of what keeps me stuck? I know if I let go of my past, I can move forward with more intensity and more vitality. For me, if I ignore what I’m feeling, I hold on to the energy of resistance, and the feeling persists. I would say I’ve been an unwitting fan of long suffering. I’ve resisted so many of the feelings (of course they didn’t “feel” good, and ignoring or numbing them was how I dealt with sadness, anger, disappointment, instead of allowing the feeling to move through my body, and out of my energy field). I wallowed in the deeds of my past. That allowed me to be stuck in my story, and basically I gave my power away. I became a victim.

Each day, when I stay in consciousness, I move toward change, through physical movement, transformative studies, and meditation. I have to possess a blatant intolerance toward hanging onto suffering, with consciousness.

“Fan” is a word derived from fanatical. The definition of fanatical is filled with excessive and single-minded zeal or obsessively concerned with something.

Each day, I give up a little of my “fan” based thinking that doesn’t serve my highest good. Beliefs and ideas about security, finances, what I can or can’t do, that I’m not good enough or pretty enough, or that things “should” be a certain way are reviewed; those fanatical beliefs and concepts are being replaced by radically empowering ideas. And slowly, my life is changing. Sometimes it’s a subtle change, sometimes it’s a major shift.

So here’s a question to ponder. Are you a long-suffering fan, or a fan of long suffering? You have a choice of how you perceive life, and how you live it. Shift your perception, and your life will shift, too. The Universe supports whatever you are zealous about. Whatever you are obsessing about, whether it’s what you want or what you don’t want, you are attracting that very thing.

Whatever you choose to be concerned about, somehow works for you (only you can decide if it’s working in your benefit or detriment). Maybe, you’re ready to choose something different for yourself; to allow your gifts and your self-love to bring you more of what you want. You have to be your biggest fan in this life.

Hey, and I’m cheering you (and myself) on to victory!

Each Day Is A Little Gift

Thursday, the 30th of August was the day since Sedona’s passing that I didn’t find myself crying when I woke up from my night’s sleep.

Friday, the 31st, was the first time I could meditate after Sedona’s passing. I found myself with a little time before work, so I sat in my favorite chair to meditate in, and allowed myself the time to let go.

At first, Sturgis was meowing loudly upstairs. I called to him, to comfort him and let him know everything was okay. Okay is a signal word for Sturgis, and it was for Sedona, too. They understood that okay meant things were good in the world. Most of the time, they would get whatever they wanted after the Okay word.

Sturgis, looking a little spooky.

I settled down to meditate, which was easy and effortless for me. I didn’t have an agenda, and I usually allow whatever needs to come through to move through me in meditation. A while into the meditation, my mind saw my beautiful Sedona’s face. It surprised me to see her. As I saw her in my meditation, I experienced her spirit. I suddenly felt my body become truly weightless. That has never happened to me before in a meditation, nor in a sleep state. I don't fly in my dreams; I'm usually anchored to the earth.

I felt so peaceful, and knew this was Sedona’s message to me of her pleasure with her new-found state, and that it was unlike the weighty physicality of this life. What I felt was love and being loved at the same time. I can't even create the words to express that feeling or being. I felt a gift was given to me.

When I opened my eyes after meditating, I realized the meditation was about 20 minutes long, and created the space within me to recognize the beautiful time and the wonderful years I spent with my special companion, Dona.



Saturday the first of September, I went to Boulder to pick up Sedona’s ashes. Never did I think I would be bringing her home in a little round wooden box.

The box fit my car’s cup holder perfectly, so I could transport her ashes back safely.

Sturgis continues to get a lot of love from me. He’s such a sensitive boy cat. He likes to rub against me while I'm sitting at the computer, and he likes when I gently pull his tail. He's waiting for me to give him a hug. I could use one, too!