As Is

Photo Credit: Lori Shin

Right now my livelihood exists between two worlds. I have certifications in reflexology and hypnotherapy, and enjoy working with people with these amazing healing modalities. My income bread and butter, so to speak, is graphic design. Graphic design and production work has been something I can depend on, and have worked in the field for over twenty-five years. Possessing a BFA in Advertising Design, I focus primarily on printed work, from packaging, to brochures. I’ve seen a lot of changes in the graphics industry, since I produced work way before computers handed accessibility to virtually anyone who could maneuver a mouse. I do my best to “do my best” for my clients, with my creativity, availability time-wise, charging a reasonable fee for my services, to encourage continued and steady work, and I ask questions and communicate clearly, so I provide my clients with the end result their clients need.

I run a “virtual” office out of my home these days, which is pretty fun. My commute takes a couple of seconds, I save on filling the auto with octane, I can stop to console my sometimes overly vocal cat, Sturgis, and brew myself a cup of fragrant herbal tea, choosing my beverage by my mood, energy, and craving. I stay in constant contact with the “team” of people I work with, through web-based e-mail and Skype.

An inexpensive yet capable set of speakers attached to my computer provides ongoing entertainment through my workday, if I choose. As I work on various graphic files, I opt to listen from an extensive menu of satisfying sound choices. My iTunes library has music for every mood, and sometimes I set iTunes to shuffle through my diverse musical library. When it comes to my favorite internet-radio selections, my tastes explore inspirational, metaphysical programming from Hayhouse Radio.com (click here for a website link) to eclectic music like Radio Paradise.com, where I never know what I might hear. I trust something will get my little brain-wheels turning, or bring a smile to my heart. Something old, something new, something familiar, something foreign, I open myself to whatever ends up on my life's daily playlist.

Ani DiFranco, photo credit: Danny Clinch

Someone I hold dear in my heart gave me a CD she didn’t want for her own music collection. I accepted the music gladly. The artist/musician Ani DiFranco expresses her unique view of the world with her personal reflection; raw and revealing, compassionate and passion-driven music and word. Ani approaches her musical craft with vitality, wisdom, and gusto. I appreciate her humor, her insight, and her devotion to unify her creativity with her local and global community. I’ve purchased several of her CDs in the past, so this new music was a welcome addition to my collection. Explore Ani and her independent recording label, righteousbabe.com.

Ani DiFranco’s own hand-picked essential collection spanning 1990-2006 is called Canon, released in 2007. In a visually thoughtful designed packaged two-disc set, this assortment invites listeners to the perfect introduction to a very influential recording artist and woman. (DiFranco’s packaging has won graphic accolades in the past.)

I’ve provided the lyrics of one song from Canon entitled “As Is". A gentle, lyrical song-journey glimpse into anyone’s shadow self, sort of a simple musical snapshot, this song brings a smile to my day. (If you load it into iTunes and have the repeat one mode selected, it's a flawless loop.)

As I continue working (on wholeness in my world, while working diligently for my clients and their deadlines), I relish in being in the place of “as is”, dismissing judgment, and welcoming the humanness of just "being"; absolutely conscious to welcoming whatever comes my way. (You can order this tune, also featured on the Ani DiFranco CD entitled Little Plastic Castle using the iTunes link on the right side of this blog page.)

as is
you can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely
cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but i've got no
problem with that really

what bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying
what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me
is that while you're telling me stories
you actually
believe that they are real

and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is

just give up
and admit you're an asshole
you would be
in some good company
i think you'd find
that your friends would forgive you
or maybe i
am just speaking for me

cuz when i look around
i think this, this is good enough
and i try to laugh
at whatever life brings
cuz when i look down
i just miss all the good stuff
when i look up
i just trip over things

and i've got
no illusions about you...
cuz i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i say
when i say i'll take it
i mean,
i mean as is...

...as is...

Ani DiFranco

When I Miss the Mark

Immersed in the 12th week of the 18 week Breakthrough Coaching Course, I get to observe where my strengths are, as well as my weaknesses. We are coached and asked to gauge our level of responsibility on a one to ten scale (one being the lowest and ten being fully responsible) in areas of our lives, both in the life wheel we are currently working in, and as a whole, as we operate in our lives. Yesterday, my responsibility level plunged to the lowest level in the whole 18 weeks. What a perfect opportunity to see how I operate, and the underlying commitments I have created in my life, the energy I put into the various “life wheel” sections of my being, and busting myself in excuse-mode.

I was definitely “full on” the responsibility mark for yesterday morning. I returned to the local rec center after a long hiatus due to foot pain, and I spent 30 minutes in the “lazy river” resistance pool. I walked against the current, forward and backward, using as much of my body as I could. I swam against the current, and imagined myself immersed in a river of loving-kindness and forgiveness. The challenge of my moving through the water was surprisingly moving and swimming not against the current, but with the water’s movement. My dogpaddling with the current challenged my body and I found more of a workout than I could have imagined. Could this be a clue as to how I operate in my life? Do I surrender my power to my resistance, or to the “flow” and move with ease through my life? Who or what underlying belief am I surrendering myself to? Who do I allow to be right when I take an action that’s not in alignment with my highest self? And do I consistently beat myself up for something I said, did, or thought in my past, and how does that impact my present moment? I was flooded by the synchronicity with my need to move in water at this time in my life. Water is the element of emotion. I have plenty of emoting these days, recognizing I pretty much dammed my feelings in my body, and through the support I’ve been receiving from friends and coaching, as well as my connection with Source energy, this was my time to release and let those emotions float out of my energy field. What a huge exploration and opportunity to work and play with the watery side of my persona. As a strong Taurus (Sun and Moon), I tend to be tethered and earth-bound, very grounded and sometimes way too practical, but my ascendant or rising sign is Cancer, a water sign, and I have the tendency to be very fluid when I allow myself to express and move. What a blessing to take the time with myself and love myself enough to go deeper with the precious practice of allowing the water element to be my teacher.

As I was drying off and dressing, I met a nice woman named Jodi in the locker room, and as we chatted, she mentioned her impending surgery on her knee, scheduled in mid-January. We commiserated about various things, including enjoying all the center’s facilities, spending time without significant movement, and the challenge that situation presents, and connecting through text messaging. I haven’t explored that part of cell phonedom, but I see the wisdom in sending a fleeting thought moment-in-time to someone, and Jodi recollected a message from her college-aged son. Texting “I’m ok, love you Mom” to her cell phone over a year ago, that message brings her so much pleasure and happiness today as it did when it was sent. As I gave an understanding smile and walked toward the exit at a slower than forty-nine year-old pace, with my throbbing foot in enclosed shoe, Tom Petty’s lyrics rang out of the recreation center’s stereo system, into my consciousness:

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free
You see you don't have to live like a refugee
Now baby you don't have to live like a refugee

Tom Petty, Refugee

I missed one of my buddy calls yesterday. Buddy calls are a part of the Breakthrough process of coaching. We schedule one or two calls with our buddies a week. I enjoy these calls enormously. I learn from my two “buddies” and hopefully, I offer something of benefit to my buddies, too. We get to build a support system and accept accountability in the coaching process in addition to our weekly homework, daily or weekly practices to move us forward and our weekly conference calls. Our interactions reflect our external world, too. I could bring several excuses to the table about missing my call with my buddy. I rather take full responsibility to recognize when I miss the mark. I know I wasn’t in alignment with my desire to create a supportive and accountable environment with my buddy. It bummed me out, since I really do desire more and deeper relationships. I was serving “two masters”. The everyday drama of work was an excuse to not be present. Busted again.



I was determined to bring myself in alignment yesterday with some issues. This past weekend, I had reduced more of my clutter by going into my somewhat cluttered closets and relinquishing my attachments to outdated electronics and unworn clothing (including the outfit I was married in). I know I still could reduce more, and every time I do this clutter clearing, I feel a bit lighter. I breathe easier. When I had chosen the clothes to “move on and out”, I thanked the various fabrics and notions for the comfort and covering they had given to me. Folding my white linen embroidered blouse and matching skirt, and light blue sash-fabric belt I got married in reminded me of one of the happiest days of my life. Holding on to those clothes can’t diminish nor add to that beautiful memory. Energetically my ex-husband had moved forward with his life and somehow, by holding onto these feminine textile mementos, I stayed stuck. It was definitely time for me to move on with as much grace as possible. I had no reason to have these clothes in my space.

There was always more “stuff” to dispose of. I grabbed a black plastic garbage bag, rummaged some more in my closet, through plastic containers, and tossed old floppy disks, shredded old bank and utility statements. I ran across some necessary-to-keep items, filed them immediately, and promised to again review the “stuff” of my physical world and hone my clutter-clearing eye toward a more peaceful environment.

As I sought actions in what would help me be more in alignment with what I desired in my life, I ended up tripping myself up throughout the whole day. I had my car filled with all of these giveaway items I was “releasing”. I stuffed the back seat of my car with brown cardboard boxes of comfortable clothing, old audio equipment, various useful-to-someone else’s household products, and even some unwanted food I wasn’t ever going to use, and gingerly drove off in the slushy weather to the local thrift store, which also serves as a food bank. As I headed out, I hadn’t grabbed my brown canvas print purse, and it occurred to me I was driving around town without my license or proof of insurance. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it brought me to another deep reality check. Mostly because of some job-related drama that I really didn’t want to partake in I was operating out of alignment. I wasn’t totally present in my body, and lapsed into reaction-mode. I realized I have more work to do in the work/career area of my life wheel, and the reason I attract drama into my work and career. Some days are better off being “mental health” days.

When I returned home, I promised to check in with myself, journal, breathe, treat myself with gentleness instead of using the psychic baseball bat to beat myself up.

I have the tools needed to bring myself back to the present moment.

Serving Two Masters and Integrity

I will admit it; I’m not a Bible reader. I think the Bible has a lot of very deep and profound messages to offer on life. I don’t even think I own a Bible. There are messages that resonate with me and come through me from a place that’s beyond my ego self, and some even from the Bible. When those messages come through, I dwell deep within that wisdom that is beyond me, yet within me; I look at what the message means to me, and how my life reflects that message.

When I feel like I’m operating in a place that isn’t in faith, trust, and love, I ponder this message that has come through my consciousness repeatedly for many years:

"No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."

Matthew 6:24

My interpretation:

"When one thinks, says, or believes one way, yet one’s holds an opposing belief, or takes actions reflecting something not in alignment or the same energy to the first thought, conversation, or belief, the strongest belief will “win” out. One cannot serve two opposing beliefs."

I had to look up mammon. (Details, details.) A rough definition is “wealth regarded as an evil influence”. I thought since that word didn’t work for me in this instance, and the word God doesn’t work for a lot of people, instead I put my own words in for substitution.

I believe there is the duality of our humanness. I am the shadow and I am the light. I couldn’t delight in the joy of my world without the contrast of the despair that I might experience with something taking place in my world. I believe I am the “the alpha and the omega”, as are you. We are connected by energy, an energy of oneness. Our world is a reflection of our energy. The integration of my human self with my spiritual higher self allows me to feel that connectedness.

Yet, when I hold a thought about the desire to be abundant, and look around and don’t hold beauty and value in this very moment with my life as it is right now, to me, I am serving two masters. And the strongest belief wins out

In the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching’s Breakthrough Program’s eleventh class, we are talking about integrity. Integrity is serving the one master. To me, integrity is when one’s actions, conversations, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings are in congruent or in alignment. When someone is operating with integrity in the world, their core beliefs and conversations mirror their actions. That person takes responsibility for who they are and how they operate in the world. There is no “lip service” of hearing someone say one thing and doing another thing; that person reflects what they say and believe in their actions. That person is congruent.

I’ve looked at the past and know fully where I was not in integrity. Those reflections aren’t proud memories for me. When I can, I did my best to correct what I was able to fix, as long as the fix wasn’t using my retired tools of guilt, manipulation, and projection. Some things I may never have the ability to fix. I acknowledge the work I’ve done in this area of my life and the work I continue to do on a daily basis. My key to this daily work is the energy of forgiveness. I have had to forgive myself for a lot of things I have done in my life I wasn’t proud of. I don’t hold resentments or ill will to anyone, living or dead. Say what you will about Dr. Phil, but I really like his ten life laws. Life Law Number Nine is: There is Power in Forgiveness. Forgiveness frees up my energy and helps me to take responsibility for my emotional well-being. I also continuously ask for support with my journey from people, since I really want to create an extraordinary life with the tools I am learning to use, and reaching out for support offers me accountability. I enjoy being a support to someone’s transformational journey, too.

I strive to be more conscious of serving the master of love instead of fear.

Undelivered Communications

I’m moving into week eleven of an eighteen-week program offered by the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching. The program is called “Breakthrough” and me and the other participants in the program are in the process of being coached in every area in our lives. We utilize a life wheel with “spokes” and “pie pieces” and the pieces have names like Work/Career, Relationship, and Spirituality. Each week we work on something different with ourselves, unconcealing the qualities and aspects that keep us stuck in patterns that are disempowering. We then are given tools, steps, visualizations, readings, and action steps to create more of what we want in the week’s subject, and in our lives.

Week ten was a powerful week (as was Week 9). We worked on the theme of Relationships of Family and Friends and Primary Relationships. For me, this triggered all sorts of emotions and feelings, and I stayed in a very heart-centered place with what came up for me. I was feeling, I was emoting, and I was vulnerable. I also know I was confident, courageous, and did what I could to speak my truth and be in integrity.



I know that in the past, my toolbox for dealing with family and friends, as well as my primary relationship was to for me to be a victim, use manipulation, hammer my righteous position into the situation, and choosing to feel hurt because of unmet expectations. All of these things have a common thread of what Debbie Ford (and other people in the therapy and coaching world) call Undelivered Communications.

Undelivered Communications are the unspoken beliefs, feelings, and emotions that keep us in a holding pattern with both our energy, and the energy we have towards the things and people we never speak our thoughts to. Resolving an undelivered communication is a communication that is delivered from the heart, and not the head. There is no blame, shaming, righteous position or ill-feeling with resolving a communication. And I have learned that, after a communication that is clear and benevolent, my vibration changes immediately. Unless my communication asks in a direct way for an action step, such as returning a belonging, my need to control any outcome is neutralized. If I hold on to expecting a certain outcome from my communication, which would link me with an old pattern I learned from the women in my family, mainly my maternal grandmother, I would get to be right about something, and get to feel disempowered, neglected, and stay in those negative energies. My grandmother's belief was in doing something kind for someone, the kindness should be returned. I would say that belief caused me so much heartache in the past. It caused me a lot of heart-sickness. My grandmother had a heart condition. Is it coincidence?

My recent surgery helped me to get clear on this old pattern. My recovery continues, yet I still have pain. I still can’t wear shoes, because my foot is so swollen. Right now, I wear sandals and socks (it’s been cold here). If I was stuck in my old pattern, I would have waited for someone to help me, and then I could be a victim if they didn’t give me assistance, and my righteous position would have been “gee, things ought not to be like this”. My underlying belief could then be, “People aren’t nice”. Those beliefs are beliefs that are old and outdated, yet, I recognize the pattern so well. The thoughts don’t empower me, and I also get to dwell in the place of disappointment (another underlying belief that people will disappoint me). I really choose to be in consciousness and recognize these beliefs, and be kind with myself in my integration of why I do what I do, and how to live a more empowered life.

During my healing and convalesce, I actually asked for assistance from people, and people came through. I know I am more than willing to do things for people without them asking, and that’s another pattern I grew up with. I am not a mind-reader (well, sometimes I am), but for the most part, I do my best to ask a person what I can help them with. That allows them to choose what they need, I am able to allow them more control (because if I do things for people without knowing what they truly need, I am in a sense, taking control from them).



My undelivered communications this week involved writing forgiveness letters, one that surprised me, since it was to my ex-husband, contacting someone who offered me assistance, sending out gift packages to people, sending someone some dance music I had promised and was overdue with, and asking for some things I loaned to be returned. I also contacted some people whom I hadn’t heard from in over nine months, I rekindled some friendships, and I heard from some of people who sent me some genuinely kind words and healing energy. All my communications are coming from a heart-centered place, even the conversations I have with myself. When I am unable to meet my needs, I ask for what I need.

To not do this work of being coached “full out” would feel like I was cheating myself. Yes, there is a price tag to being coached for eighteen weeks. The benefits far exceed the cost, in my opinion, because I am doing what I can to be in integrity with the process. Personally, I have too much at stake to take this coaching work lightly and shrug it off, and maybe create a self-sabotaging situation. For me, it’s vital to do this work at this time, to attract the heart-centered relationships I desire in my life, and to be supported, supportive, and accountable for helping all my relations flourish.