Shame, Guilt, Self-Sabotage, and Coming Clean

"It is only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized." I Ching

Concealing and withholding hides a shadow belief, guilt, or shame about something in our past. The ego creates a clever laundry list of obstacles to healing old wounds. Justifications, excuses, blame, resentment, righteous positions, and arrogance all mask a repressed quality or hidden action that we would rather not take responsibility for. We may justify what we did by saying "I did that in the past; it has no bearing on my life now".

Until we stop the trance of denial by standing in the truth of our past, that very energy that we conceal, don't want to feel, or deny holds more of our future in bondage than anyone can fathom. Withholding due to shame or guilt may even seem like setting a personal boundary; when we don't come clean with ourselves, our actions, and our relations in every way to cleanse our psyche, we're bathing ourselves in unclean conditions, and we still embody the same very toxic feelings that shamed us. When we tell ourselves a story or interpret events that imprint guilt as something from our past that doesn't require a thorough clean-up, and we choose the option of hiding behind our justifications or excuses, that very shame and guilt weaves its way into our lives like the mismatched thread running through a yard of fabric; if that one ill-fitting thread isn't fully integrated into the whole weave cleanly, it disintegrates the whole fabric of our lives. Withholding and not coming clean with shame or guilt will show up again and again as a pattern somewhere in relationships, and is a clear form of self-sabotage. Quoting my mentor, Debbie Ford, "the guilty seek punishment". When we don't clean our house internally, the consequences can be devastating. Relationships implode, lives can be impacted negatively, and ultimately, that shame and guilt will follow us wherever we go, like lead weights strapped to our body.

When we illuminate the darkest actions and deeds and the pain we inflicted onto others by projection, and take responsibility for our actions in a clear manner, then we are able to observe what needs cleaning up. When we are willing to be truthful, without any deception that the ego can blanket us with, we can step into responsibility and clear out the clutter of unfinished business. From there, the heart can open to true forgiveness, for self-forgiveness and to ask forgiveness to any relations who stepped into the cross-hairs of the shame or guilt we claimed and projected. Going through a total process of completing any unfinished business, taking responsibility, and opening the door to forgiveness offers our multi-colored, woven life threads integration, and the opportunity to create alignment with our most deepest desires.

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The Birth of Our Shadow

How can you use your shadow instead of your shadow using you?
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Michael Jackson's Words

Michael Jackson
August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

"Consciousness expresses itself through creation. This world we live in is the dance of the creator. Dancers come and go in the twinkling of an eye, but the dance lives on. On many an occasion, when I am dancing, I have felt touched by something sacred. In those moments, I felt my spirit soar and become one with everything that exists. I become the stars and the moon. I become the lover and the beloved. I become the victor and the vanquished. I become the master and the slave. I become the singer and the song. I become the knower and the known. I keep on dancing and then, it is the eternal dance of creation. The creator and the creation merge into one wholeness of joy. I keep on dancing—until there is only... the dance.

–Michael Jackson 1992

May you dance amongst the stars now, dear Michael.

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Funny... You don't look Asian...

How I came to be Lori Shin...



On some of my business stationery, I have the Kanji symbol shown above, as a design element. I remember going to an interview, and having the principals of the company I interviewed for look at me in a very odd way when I walked in. They said something to the effect that they thought I was Asian, because of my "logo" on my resume. The Kanji symbol is pronounced Shin. I adopted the symbol, because of my name. More on how that name came to be for me...



The symbol above is the Hebrew letter Shin. You can find the letter Shin on the mezuzah, a parchment housed in a decorative case, and affixed to the front doorframe of Jewish homes. On the parchment is a prayer in Hebrew that begins "Listen, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One." Shin is also the twenty-first letter in many sematic traditions. In Hebrew, Shin stands for the word Shaddai, a name for God.



In most cases, Shin is the translation for God or Spirit.

In 2004, I was transitioning, of sorts. My marriage was ending, I was working as a market researcher, and I was conducting high level interviews with decision makers on very expensive medical products, like CT Scan machines. Sometimes I wasn't able to talk to the person assigned to me, and my supervisor at the time asked me what name I would like to leave for a call back. She knew my martial situation, and what came through me was my last name to be left was Shin. I didn't ponder or ruminate about the name. I also knew it held a very strong vibration, and it humbled me to accept a name that would have me be reminded every day how I might live as a woman of spirit. I felt so grateful this energy came through me, and I felt both the acceptance and the fear that I could never live up to the task.

Those intense feelings marked the separation of not accepting my humanity along with my divinity. The journey to heal the split has been intense, and I still do the work. It's a daily practice, and I will work throughout my life, to accept the totality of who I am. As I learn more, through the the trainings I have been involved with, I've also committed to work with others as a catalyst for people to see their own brilliance. I've had many amazing teachers to guide me through this journey. I've learned from absolutely everyone, from spiritual leaders to everyday people.

I am reminded of Michael Beckwith (one of the featured people in the movie The Secret) and his words.

"God does not call the qualified; God qualifies the called."

I felt I was called, and still feel the call. I trust. It doesn't mean it doesn't scare me like hell. I just trust that through my practice, I will be guided, unencumbered by ego. I surrender my will. These days, it's an easy choice.

And I walk this path with spirit, with a lot of joy, humor, and awe.

Why Good People Do Bad Things

When we fully express and embody the totality of who we are, we heal and stand in our wholeness. When the expression of who we are gets denied or suppressed... well, read this book and see Why Good People Do Bad Things.



Being of Service

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

In this present moment, I'm typing away at a keyboard, looking at an illuminated electronic screen, and digesting the past three days, and the journey I'm on. As integrative coaches and coaches in training with the Ford Institute of Integrative Coaching, we've had three days of gatherings, brainstorming, collective visioning, and this is a powerful, potent group of people who council together. We are from all over the world, from South Africa to Lebanon, to Florida, and everywhere in between. The collective assembly are here, gathering, to give a voice to their thread of the community fabric we weave, to be of service and to make a difference in the world. Some know they want to link into a collective vision, some have projects they already are passionate about, and we all talk out loud about keeping the energetic momentum going, with honesty and integrity. I am humbled and honored to walk this path with so many committed souls.


As I awoke from a very fitful night's sleep, my mind rested in the soft place of service, and I was compelled to scan my own personal history, and bring the question out into the open. What drives my desire to be of service.

It didn't take long to honor the roots of this dialog I was having with myself.


My maternal grandparents, Selma and Herman Bass were catalysts of sorts for my intention to make a difference. Although they believed in the Zionist movement of having a home to all Jews (focusing on Israel), I couldn't call their actions pure Zionist actions. They did believe that Jews should be free to practice their faith in a place of safety. They did take action on a consistent basis, to raise money for Jews to immigrate to the United States. This was at a time, during the Second World War, where it wasn't safe for all to practice their beliefs. I don't have any idea of how many people my grandparents helped, but if even one person was saved by my grandfather and grandmother raising funds for a person to immigrate, that's huge.

Selma and Herman left Europe with my mother and my aunt when it was a clear and present danger to stay in Europe and fall victim to impending oppression. They came to the United States, and settled in Cleveland, Ohio. In Luxembourg, my grandfather owned a furniture factory (beautiful pieces of the furniture are still in the family; a few pieces came to the U.S.). In Europe, my grandparents lived a good, somewhat privileged life.

They started over with their two teenage daughters, rebuilding and recreating a new life in America. And my grandparents chose to be of service to others.

When I was growing up, my grandmother always volunteered for things she believed in. She served in the Jewish community in many ways. My mother and my aunt also volunteered their time and talents to many causes, from political ideals, to serving on arts commissions. It's no wonder that I have followed this path to service.

I volunteer in my dance community, offering anything from support to other dancers, to picking up dance camp participants from the airport (people come from all over the world to study the 5Rhythms practice with Melissa Michaels, a first-generation student of Gabrielle Roth's).

I volunteer at etown, a variety/music show that's taped for play on NPR stations. Yes, volunteering can be of service and fun! And I'm gaining clarity on my role with the Collective Heart, the branch of the Ford Institute that is making a difference by building a green school in Uganda, envisioning a transformational approach with education, and we as a collective have only just begun.

Whether you are linked in with a volunteer organization, or want to contribute, doing your part can make a difference. It feels good to give, and in that giving, you will receive. That's how circulation works!

Come join us in creating a world with limitless possibilities. www.thecollectiveheart.org

My Everyday Prayer

Gracious Spirit

• Allow all my actions to be motivated by love.
• Allow me to be detached from all outcomes, and allow the Universe to surprise and delight me.
• Allow gratitude to permeate every cell of my physical being, to spill over into my thoughts and deeds; grateful for even the painful experiences as they open the door to great teachings and wisdom, and the pleasurable experiences, as I relish and savor each delicious offering with curiosity and awe.
• Open me up to more giving from my heart, and more receiving with my heart, as this is the way energy and abundance circulates.
• Allow me to recognize I am always held in the unified field of love and abundance, where all possibility exists.
  
• Let me suspend all judgment in all matters, including myself.
• Allow silence into my life, as well as breath.
• Inspire me to choose consciously; as I choose for myself, I also choose for the larger community.

Let me be used, O Beloved Spirit, to be sourced and resourced, to be filled, and emptied, and filled again, as I journey passionately in this life.

When Life Isn’t Fair… How are You Going to Respond?

Right now, things are topsy-turvy in our world. Globally, financial institutions seem like people diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. One day up, the next day tanking. People are following suit, reactive to the outer world. There's been a lot of denial, poor choices, and a blatant lack of responsibility.

I’m not saying this as a victim, but life isn’t fair. So what can I do to respond, stay grounded and maintain my bearing, when the compass isn’t reading the directions of North, South, East, and West in the usual way?

As an observer, how is it that I can have a great credit score, have never had any late payments with any bills, never have filed for bankruptcy, have equity in my home and work for myself, and still be turned down for refinancing, while people who have been late for payments and trashed their credit over and over be offered greater financial options and lower mortgage payments on their property that might have been foreclosed on.

I do everything in my power to be responsible in my choices and actions.



Yes, life isn’t fair. Yet, how I respond is the only guide to live by. And being 100% responsible is the guiding compass that points me in the direction of where I desire to go. I have to stop reflecting what is going on with others, and really steer the course of my own ship, and stay the course.

I may not like how thing are, but if I stay attached to the belief that they should be different, I am not only asking, I am begging for my own dose of suffering, resentment, and righteousness. I become a victim. I will insist on blaming someone else for situations and circumstances in my life, and I ultimately will be giving my power away.

I don’t consciously surrender my personal power to others these days. I used to, but being a victim isn’t very empowering. Coach training and being coached allows me to take actions that will propel me toward what I want, instead of focusing on what I don't want.

I do surrender my positions to my spiritual practice, with the sincere acceptance to see situations and circumstances in a way I can learn and grow from. I have never been disappointed in that simple act of letting go of the thoughts, beliefs, and positions that don’t serve me, and to ask for that willingness for acceptance to permeate through every cell of my being. I have always been supported by the spiritual source I come from, and eventually will return to. If certain thoughts don’t serve my higher self, they don’t serve the greater good. Then I will be contributing to the global toxicity, instead of allowing a greater good to flow through me, and open me up to new possibilities.

With that action of willingness, acceptance, and surrender, I really can serve the world, with authenticity and humility. That's a response that could ignite a quiet revolution! Try it!

When the news isn't good

No, the news isn't good. Last month, a record of new people filed for unemployment compensation. The Bureau of Labor Statistics released the news that nearly 600, 000 people lost their jobs in January 2009 alone.

No doubt, this isn't news for most people. It hits people directly, with who they know, how they spend their money, and aims straight to the core of their ability to be safe and secure in how they will survive.

On February 5th, the small technology and research company I work with as a graphic designer made a difficult decision to restructure into a not-for-profit venture. It was a choice that wasn't easy for the founders of the company to make, but in order for their product to penetrate through to their primary markets of speech language pathologists, research institutions, and universities in a profound way, the company had to move swiftly.

By the end of February 2009, two-thirds of the people I worked with will be laid off. Some people were gone that very Thursday afternoon on February 5th. My hours have been reduced, but I'm still working to do what I know how to aid in the company restructure. 

I've come to know and care about these amazing, professional people, and have respect for each and every one of them. I know any employer would be fortunate to have any of these people involved in their company. Each person has a story of their life. I honor those stories. I don't think many of the people I work with are "stuck" in their stories, though. This is a group of people who seem healthy in how they process their feelings and emotions, and then they take action to move in the direction they want their lives to go.

For me, I have to filter how much news I receive from the media these days. I'm not in denial, and I don't know many people who haven't been affected by the economy. Yet a steady diet of bad news can paralyze opportunity, dreams, and intentions. I want to mobilize and take action. I know that focusing on what I want is more productive than focusing on what I don't want, or even what I fear. It's time to build that place of fearlessness within.

I've started building my social network stronger, because support will make the difference in how I respond to life. Join my network here with Linked In.

The Dawn of a New Day

Most days I wake up before the sun comes up. I work out at the local recreation center, and by the time I'm finished, the hint of a new day colors the sky like a panoramic painting of oranges, blue hues, and deep reds. This morning as I was exiting the recreation center, I happened on the dawn, and I pondered events this day would bring to not only myself, but to people around the planet. Today, we welcomed a new leader with vision, integrity, and purpose into the fold of one of the most difficult and rewarding positions of leadership. And for certain, a new day is dawning, for us all!

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Let us join in the collective community, in support of our new president, Barack Obama. And may our country be blessed.

My Current Badge of Honor

No, that's not an "alien" shirt. That's the back of my cheap t-shirt. After a really hard cardiovascular workout. These days, it's my badge of honor.

I spend my mornings at the local recreation center. I make the time to exercise (when most people are still dreaming under some nice warm blankets). I have to do this. I want to be healthy. And I am committed to the process, no matter how long it takes.

Years ago, maybe 18 or so years ago, I noticed I had a very easy time putting weight on. I always ate healthy, and very rarely "pigged out" or over-ate. I wasn't always highly active, but I wasn't a slug, either. The relationship of what I was eating and why my body processed food the way it did wasn't understood by me. And certainly, western medicine wasn't helping me understand about food, nutrition, or weight. After all, we had the USDA Food Pyramid. And more and more people were becoming overweight, being diagnosed as diabetic, and the belief in the dietetic world was "a carb is a carb is a carb". We know now that belief is a recipe for disaster, and a nation of overweight people. Now we know the pyramid was sponsored by those food companies that provide Americans with the base level of the old pyramid as over-processed, cheap, calorie-laden and nutrient-vacant, easy-to-eat foods. And of course, with the backing of the federal government.


Sometime around 2001, I had an ultrasound, because some liver enzymes were elevated. The ultrasound revealed a "fatty liver". I didn't eat exceptionally fatty foods, so there wasn't a real external reason for the liver issue. I don't drink. But, there it was; another clue in unconcealing what seemed to be a life-long challenge for me and many women. And even another way to beat myself up.

I always had some sleep problems. I had surgery for sleep apnea in 1989, and through the years, I was a problem sleeper. I slept better after being introduced to magnetics (Nikken), but still had some sleep trouble. My body would always feel hot. I was moody. As I got older, the heat and the moods got worse. Finally, after seeing a naturopathic doctor in Arizona, and taking a saliva test, I finally had a diagnosis that connected all the dots. The diagnosis is a metabolic and hormonal issue called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS.

For years, I kept off bread, potatoes, rice, all things that would increase my sugar level. With PCOS, many times there is something called insulin resistance. So the weight stayed on, even through a thorough change in my diet. I exercised a lot. I had people look at me, and tell me, "oh, just do Pilates and build those core muscles".

What I really needed to do was have a team to help me. I also had to step out of denial. Whatever I needed to do, I was willing. Willingness is the first step to recovery.

So, my team consists of a naturopath who knows about PCOS, a chiropractor, the alarm clock that gets me out of bed to go exercise, a massage therapist, and someone I can be accountable to. I hold to a very basic diet of protein, vegetables and fruits (that won't boost sugar levels), seeds and nuts, water, herbal tea and little else. No added sugars, no juice, no sauces, no grains, no honey, no dairy. And I exercise.

I take supplements. About 18 at a time, three times a day.

And I exercise. And exercise. Five times a week. Sometimes for more than an hour. Sometimes more than two hours. And I push myself. I seem to have some endurance in this area. I may be slow, at the beginning, but I am definitely steady. I can spin on the exercise cycle at 105 RPMs for 50 minutes (the resistance level is about a four for 20 minutes, then I step the resistance down). So I'm riding about 11-12 miles in 50 minutes.

I'm getting stronger, and my body is FINALLY responding. It took a while...

How long to I have to do this? I am told, all my life, if I want to be healthy. I no longer am "hot" all the time. My moodiness is gone. I am dropping weight, and my clothes are loosening up. Slowly, but steady. Like the tortoise and the hare, I'm here to win the race.

If you ever wonder what you're committed to, just look at your daily actions and choices. If you don't like what you're getting, make better choices and take action. No one said it would be easy. But, it will be worth it!

And, like the SWOOSH commercial, just DO IT!

Happy New Year 2009

It's been a while since I wrote. A lot has happened in the short span of almost 4 months:

• I completed the second module of coaching training through the Institute for Integrative Coaching; I was coached in my life for 3 months. I still have a lot to work on, now I have the tools to see more and more successes in my life.
• I decided to limit my communications with my father. (My father disappeared out of my life a few years after my mother and father divorced. I was seven. Forty-three years later, I was able to find my father. More on that with another blog.)
• I distanced myself from writing in my blog and chose to work deeply through the coaching and healing process, and that experience let me see many of my life situations and challenges through respectful, peaceful, non-reactive eyes.
• I chose to be fully in the process, and not hung up with the outcome of my decision to go through with coaching training.
• I made a conscious choice to put my need to be healthy as the priority in my life.
• I chose to stop being in denial about a medical diagnosis I received several years ago, and thought I was managing. I decided to create a health team with a naturopath, chiropractor, and massage therapist to aid me in taking stronger and more specific actions toward better health and fitness.
• I exercise 5-6 times a week.
• I dance at least twice a week.
• I take supplements regularly for the condition I was diagnosed with, and I changed my diet to increase my health benefits.
• The US had a presidential election, and the people spoke with their votes. It's an exciting time, full of hope and change. It's full of challenges, and people will face the toughest decisions they ever had to make.
  

• Financial markets are currently fractured around the world.
• I made a visit to Texas to spend time with my beloved aunt in early December.
• My brother in Washington DC got married to his long-time lady friend, with very little fanfare, but with a lot of heart.
• I became secretary of my homeowners association.
• I've continued my volunteering for etown.
  
• I've made some new friends.
• I continue to journal and meditate.
• I paid my quarterly taxes.
• I went to Fort Collins for the first time (and the second time, too).

Although I haven't written in my blog, I have been writing. I decided it was time to focus on what's ahead for me on a day-to-day basis, and take action. Sort of the one-day-at-a-time approach. Some things I had regularly enjoyed doing had to fall by the wayside, but as I learn to manage things large and small that come about in my life, I realize I have been responsible, accountable, and taking action. There are things I want to change, so, like a boat on the seas when the wind changes, I adapt, and learn and grow, and do. As Yoda said, "Do! There is no Try!"
I continue to be committed to my own evolution.
Come join the parade!