Undelivered Communications

I’m moving into week eleven of an eighteen-week program offered by the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching. The program is called “Breakthrough” and me and the other participants in the program are in the process of being coached in every area in our lives. We utilize a life wheel with “spokes” and “pie pieces” and the pieces have names like Work/Career, Relationship, and Spirituality. Each week we work on something different with ourselves, unconcealing the qualities and aspects that keep us stuck in patterns that are disempowering. We then are given tools, steps, visualizations, readings, and action steps to create more of what we want in the week’s subject, and in our lives.

Week ten was a powerful week (as was Week 9). We worked on the theme of Relationships of Family and Friends and Primary Relationships. For me, this triggered all sorts of emotions and feelings, and I stayed in a very heart-centered place with what came up for me. I was feeling, I was emoting, and I was vulnerable. I also know I was confident, courageous, and did what I could to speak my truth and be in integrity.



I know that in the past, my toolbox for dealing with family and friends, as well as my primary relationship was to for me to be a victim, use manipulation, hammer my righteous position into the situation, and choosing to feel hurt because of unmet expectations. All of these things have a common thread of what Debbie Ford (and other people in the therapy and coaching world) call Undelivered Communications.

Undelivered Communications are the unspoken beliefs, feelings, and emotions that keep us in a holding pattern with both our energy, and the energy we have towards the things and people we never speak our thoughts to. Resolving an undelivered communication is a communication that is delivered from the heart, and not the head. There is no blame, shaming, righteous position or ill-feeling with resolving a communication. And I have learned that, after a communication that is clear and benevolent, my vibration changes immediately. Unless my communication asks in a direct way for an action step, such as returning a belonging, my need to control any outcome is neutralized. If I hold on to expecting a certain outcome from my communication, which would link me with an old pattern I learned from the women in my family, mainly my maternal grandmother, I would get to be right about something, and get to feel disempowered, neglected, and stay in those negative energies. My grandmother's belief was in doing something kind for someone, the kindness should be returned. I would say that belief caused me so much heartache in the past. It caused me a lot of heart-sickness. My grandmother had a heart condition. Is it coincidence?

My recent surgery helped me to get clear on this old pattern. My recovery continues, yet I still have pain. I still can’t wear shoes, because my foot is so swollen. Right now, I wear sandals and socks (it’s been cold here). If I was stuck in my old pattern, I would have waited for someone to help me, and then I could be a victim if they didn’t give me assistance, and my righteous position would have been “gee, things ought not to be like this”. My underlying belief could then be, “People aren’t nice”. Those beliefs are beliefs that are old and outdated, yet, I recognize the pattern so well. The thoughts don’t empower me, and I also get to dwell in the place of disappointment (another underlying belief that people will disappoint me). I really choose to be in consciousness and recognize these beliefs, and be kind with myself in my integration of why I do what I do, and how to live a more empowered life.

During my healing and convalesce, I actually asked for assistance from people, and people came through. I know I am more than willing to do things for people without them asking, and that’s another pattern I grew up with. I am not a mind-reader (well, sometimes I am), but for the most part, I do my best to ask a person what I can help them with. That allows them to choose what they need, I am able to allow them more control (because if I do things for people without knowing what they truly need, I am in a sense, taking control from them).



My undelivered communications this week involved writing forgiveness letters, one that surprised me, since it was to my ex-husband, contacting someone who offered me assistance, sending out gift packages to people, sending someone some dance music I had promised and was overdue with, and asking for some things I loaned to be returned. I also contacted some people whom I hadn’t heard from in over nine months, I rekindled some friendships, and I heard from some of people who sent me some genuinely kind words and healing energy. All my communications are coming from a heart-centered place, even the conversations I have with myself. When I am unable to meet my needs, I ask for what I need.

To not do this work of being coached “full out” would feel like I was cheating myself. Yes, there is a price tag to being coached for eighteen weeks. The benefits far exceed the cost, in my opinion, because I am doing what I can to be in integrity with the process. Personally, I have too much at stake to take this coaching work lightly and shrug it off, and maybe create a self-sabotaging situation. For me, it’s vital to do this work at this time, to attract the heart-centered relationships I desire in my life, and to be supported, supportive, and accountable for helping all my relations flourish.