Everyday Small Steps

It’s amazing how the body heals. It’s a week since my foot surgery. There’s still pain, but a lot less. Now, I can (slowly) get up and down the stairs without my crutches. I really have to pay attention to my steps, and I know the message that everything I do right now is a prayerful meditation of my body, mind, and spirit. I respect my body and my current abilities. Aside from driving, I can do pretty much what I need to do, I just do things much more slowly. I’ve become more mindful of my journey and my present moment.

At this time, I still think about my mother through this healing process, and I have to believe that the Universe has me connecting with my mother in this way for a deep purpose. I am reminded how I move right now, and how my mother moved to accommodate her abilities after a stroke. She had to back up her body (sort of putting herself in reverse) to sit down, feeling the seat or couch behind her. I remember her movements as she surrendered her balance to an object that would bear her weight, and the relief she felt as she slid into her sitting position. It’s almost as if I remember her through my own body cellular memory, as I make the steps forward and backward, negotiating up and down stairs, and moving slowly and thoughtfully through my day (good foot up the stairs first). It’s an amazing recollection, and I really see how my mother (and my avoidance for many years of “being like her”) was my “shadow”*. My mother transitioned out of this physical world in 2006, so all of these “cellular” memories have been a surprise to me, but welcome and comforting.

I realize how remarkable the human body is, how amazing our minds are and how our beliefs can expand or limit us. I know I will relish the time I can return to my dance practice and working out. I also honor that this time of stillness has moved me through some real breakthroughs. I realize how much I will enjoy simple things like climbing effortlessly into my bathtub to take a shower. My vision map of what I want to bring into my life is laminated and taped to my shower, and I really miss seeing and absorbing the images that I see and take into my consciousness without effort when I shower.

I remember when I went to the local grocery store to rent my crutches before my surgery. I am reminded of hearing a little girl about 14 shopping with her father, seeing me try out my crutches for size, and hearing her laughter and remarks about crutches. It was good to just observe, not be self-conscious or into a “story”. I got to think about people who live daily with physical and mental challenges, and realize I am so fortunate, and grateful for my life.

I’m getting to look how I judge myself, and how I judge others. I get to see how I judged my mother, and maybe other people. We tend to do things to get our needs met, whether those things are in our highest state of being or our lowest state of vibration. I get to look at those beliefs behind those actions, and set those beliefs aside or surrender to what feelings are behind those beliefs. When our routine is disrupted for any reason, sometimes we can go totally into our stories. The stories are only beliefs. Most of those beliefs aren’t even true. Those beliefs keep us from our real feelings. Those uncomfortable or even painful feelings we would rather “numb” away, through addictions like overeating, avoidance, drinking, overworking, shopping, drugs or about a thousand other ways are actually our gateway to our own personal power.

Are you happy with yourself? Do you hold the roadmap that will be the catalyst to expand your view of yourself? If you were “there” what does “there” even look like? Do you know? The Universe supports clarity. Today is the day to get clear. If you love your life, you are going to move in a world that reflects that back to you. If you are angry with yourself or other people, or not loving yourself, or beating yourself up all the time, you are going to find people to reflect that same thing back to you. I’m not “there” yet, but I am in the process, I have my “vision map” and my commitment is to live each day with a new discovery and appreciation of myself and what is reflected back to me. Each day offers something new to learn and love about myself and the world.

When we take 100% responsibility, and connect with ourselves on a deep, profound level, connect with our global family, and change our feelings of being “different” or “wounded”, we take down the barriers that separate us from others and separates us from the Divine spirit that lives within, around and through each of us. All is sacred. There is nothing that isn't sacred. What’s available to you when you take down those barriers? You can have a new perspective, enter the process to transform your life, and live the live beyond anything you could have ever imagined.


*I will write more about “the shadow”, the Breakthrough Process, and the programs I am currently immersed in through the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching.

Changes in Everyday Circumstances

As much as you plan for something in your life, there comes a time when you learn new things that change how you interact with the world, even on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes our circumstances offer restrictions that keep us from performing what we’ve come to take for granted as simple, everyday tasks. Having surgery on my left foot is teaching me about restrictions, moving slowly, kindness, and the healing process beyond the physical.

Now, as I walk and move in my home, I have to concentrate on my steps. I’m allowed to “bear weight as tolerated”. I take that to mean, if it’s too painful, I need to use my crutches. Sometimes I use the crutches, and sometimes I slowly hobble my way to my destination. As I move, I’m reminded of my mother, and how, after a very massive stroke that left the right side of her body immobile, she re-learned to perform everyday tasks again, everything from bathing, to cooking, to walking, first utilizing a walker, then a quad-footed cane. With the help of a physical therapist, she learned how to balance on her right side. Fitted with a stiff plastic leg brace, so her right leg could bear the weight she didn’t fully have control over, I realize, in the short time I’ve been physically challenged with my restrictions, how amazing my mother’s accomplishments and efforts were to live with her abilities after her stroke.

I’ve been told I have to “bathe creatively”, which, so far means sponge baths and clean clothes. I’ll attempt to wash my hair in the bathroom sink today. Right now, how I look isn’t as important to me as how I feel. I still am committed to eating right, cooking myself a nice meal, and having my home be as clean as I can make it. Some things (like vacuuming) will have to wait, though.

The three most challenging issues about my physical restrictions are the pain involved, getting up and down the stairs with whatever I need, and asking for help.

I have been taking pain medication to help ease the hurt, and I make sure I have something to eat before I take any medicine. I’m also taking Arnica Montana, a homeopathic, to help with the trauma of surgery.

Sometimes I will crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees, and “slide” down the stairs (on my bum), and sometimes I use my crutches. It depends on how I feel (if I feel unsteady, I don’t use the crutches) and assess what needs to come up or go down with me. So far, so good. The nurses at the surgery center taught me how to go up and down stairs with the crutches.

I normally rely and take responsibility for myself. Now I’m much more vulnerable, and I ask for help. My roommate Janell took me to surgery, and my friend Christina picked me up and brought me home. Christina also offered to shop for me, if I need something from the grocery store. I received a “care package” from a friend in North Carolina that brought lots of smiles to my face. Even my cat, Sturgis watches over me, being sweet, and a little less demanding.

I called the phone tree at the little church I go to and asked if I could get a ride to a Thanksgiving Eve service (if the weather is not good, I will stay in, though).

As my life takes on some very temporary restrictions, I take heart that nurturing myself, and accepting the kindness of others will be the comfort I can use to heal quickly. I am very grateful for going through the process of healing and of being tender with myself.