When I Miss the Mark

Immersed in the 12th week of the 18 week Breakthrough Coaching Course, I get to observe where my strengths are, as well as my weaknesses. We are coached and asked to gauge our level of responsibility on a one to ten scale (one being the lowest and ten being fully responsible) in areas of our lives, both in the life wheel we are currently working in, and as a whole, as we operate in our lives. Yesterday, my responsibility level plunged to the lowest level in the whole 18 weeks. What a perfect opportunity to see how I operate, and the underlying commitments I have created in my life, the energy I put into the various “life wheel” sections of my being, and busting myself in excuse-mode.

I was definitely “full on” the responsibility mark for yesterday morning. I returned to the local rec center after a long hiatus due to foot pain, and I spent 30 minutes in the “lazy river” resistance pool. I walked against the current, forward and backward, using as much of my body as I could. I swam against the current, and imagined myself immersed in a river of loving-kindness and forgiveness. The challenge of my moving through the water was surprisingly moving and swimming not against the current, but with the water’s movement. My dogpaddling with the current challenged my body and I found more of a workout than I could have imagined. Could this be a clue as to how I operate in my life? Do I surrender my power to my resistance, or to the “flow” and move with ease through my life? Who or what underlying belief am I surrendering myself to? Who do I allow to be right when I take an action that’s not in alignment with my highest self? And do I consistently beat myself up for something I said, did, or thought in my past, and how does that impact my present moment? I was flooded by the synchronicity with my need to move in water at this time in my life. Water is the element of emotion. I have plenty of emoting these days, recognizing I pretty much dammed my feelings in my body, and through the support I’ve been receiving from friends and coaching, as well as my connection with Source energy, this was my time to release and let those emotions float out of my energy field. What a huge exploration and opportunity to work and play with the watery side of my persona. As a strong Taurus (Sun and Moon), I tend to be tethered and earth-bound, very grounded and sometimes way too practical, but my ascendant or rising sign is Cancer, a water sign, and I have the tendency to be very fluid when I allow myself to express and move. What a blessing to take the time with myself and love myself enough to go deeper with the precious practice of allowing the water element to be my teacher.

As I was drying off and dressing, I met a nice woman named Jodi in the locker room, and as we chatted, she mentioned her impending surgery on her knee, scheduled in mid-January. We commiserated about various things, including enjoying all the center’s facilities, spending time without significant movement, and the challenge that situation presents, and connecting through text messaging. I haven’t explored that part of cell phonedom, but I see the wisdom in sending a fleeting thought moment-in-time to someone, and Jodi recollected a message from her college-aged son. Texting “I’m ok, love you Mom” to her cell phone over a year ago, that message brings her so much pleasure and happiness today as it did when it was sent. As I gave an understanding smile and walked toward the exit at a slower than forty-nine year-old pace, with my throbbing foot in enclosed shoe, Tom Petty’s lyrics rang out of the recreation center’s stereo system, into my consciousness:

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free
You see you don't have to live like a refugee
Now baby you don't have to live like a refugee

Tom Petty, Refugee

I missed one of my buddy calls yesterday. Buddy calls are a part of the Breakthrough process of coaching. We schedule one or two calls with our buddies a week. I enjoy these calls enormously. I learn from my two “buddies” and hopefully, I offer something of benefit to my buddies, too. We get to build a support system and accept accountability in the coaching process in addition to our weekly homework, daily or weekly practices to move us forward and our weekly conference calls. Our interactions reflect our external world, too. I could bring several excuses to the table about missing my call with my buddy. I rather take full responsibility to recognize when I miss the mark. I know I wasn’t in alignment with my desire to create a supportive and accountable environment with my buddy. It bummed me out, since I really do desire more and deeper relationships. I was serving “two masters”. The everyday drama of work was an excuse to not be present. Busted again.



I was determined to bring myself in alignment yesterday with some issues. This past weekend, I had reduced more of my clutter by going into my somewhat cluttered closets and relinquishing my attachments to outdated electronics and unworn clothing (including the outfit I was married in). I know I still could reduce more, and every time I do this clutter clearing, I feel a bit lighter. I breathe easier. When I had chosen the clothes to “move on and out”, I thanked the various fabrics and notions for the comfort and covering they had given to me. Folding my white linen embroidered blouse and matching skirt, and light blue sash-fabric belt I got married in reminded me of one of the happiest days of my life. Holding on to those clothes can’t diminish nor add to that beautiful memory. Energetically my ex-husband had moved forward with his life and somehow, by holding onto these feminine textile mementos, I stayed stuck. It was definitely time for me to move on with as much grace as possible. I had no reason to have these clothes in my space.

There was always more “stuff” to dispose of. I grabbed a black plastic garbage bag, rummaged some more in my closet, through plastic containers, and tossed old floppy disks, shredded old bank and utility statements. I ran across some necessary-to-keep items, filed them immediately, and promised to again review the “stuff” of my physical world and hone my clutter-clearing eye toward a more peaceful environment.

As I sought actions in what would help me be more in alignment with what I desired in my life, I ended up tripping myself up throughout the whole day. I had my car filled with all of these giveaway items I was “releasing”. I stuffed the back seat of my car with brown cardboard boxes of comfortable clothing, old audio equipment, various useful-to-someone else’s household products, and even some unwanted food I wasn’t ever going to use, and gingerly drove off in the slushy weather to the local thrift store, which also serves as a food bank. As I headed out, I hadn’t grabbed my brown canvas print purse, and it occurred to me I was driving around town without my license or proof of insurance. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it brought me to another deep reality check. Mostly because of some job-related drama that I really didn’t want to partake in I was operating out of alignment. I wasn’t totally present in my body, and lapsed into reaction-mode. I realized I have more work to do in the work/career area of my life wheel, and the reason I attract drama into my work and career. Some days are better off being “mental health” days.

When I returned home, I promised to check in with myself, journal, breathe, treat myself with gentleness instead of using the psychic baseball bat to beat myself up.

I have the tools needed to bring myself back to the present moment.