Are You On The Journey?

Last week I received my brand-new passport, reflecting my current address and name. Reading the memoir Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert a few months ago became the catalyst for my recent desire to update my documentation. Although I’m not planning a journey out of the country, that book got me to ponder about exploring new territories, journeying, and the path I travel every single day.

Now, another book I’ve started reading has me wondering about boundaries, identity, and why my passport is just a tip of the iceberg of the person I am (at least in physical form).

The book I am reading (and millions of people) is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now. Thanks to Oprah Winfrey’s ten-week “webcast” class, this book, number one paperback advice best-seller on The New York Times list, has people thinking, learning, and talking about consciousness.

Back to the passport, as I was reading in A New Earth, I got to thinking of the traits that define me. Most of my self-identity in the past has been ego-driven. I tend to think a bit differently now. With this little navy-bound book full of colorful, blank pages, my gender, my age, my birthplace, my citizenship defines me to my country’s state department. Or maybe that is what I choose to perceive. I know I am more than those defined traits. Future stamps from other countries that will become imprinted on these fresh, empty pages will define the boundaries I step through in the physical plane, and hopefully, I will experience more than amazing scenery and exotic foods. I hope to experience life with all my journeys, with an open heart and without judgment. Relationships mean a whole lot more to me these days. I see opportunity in that. Yet for me, I truly want to one day experience a world where boundaries are blurred, and the time where separation between people dissolves, and we honor our diversity as well as our similarities. That journey begins with myself, with consciousness and action, self-love, non-judgment and acceptance.

I really feel that a huge shift in planetary consciousness is at hand, with this global "webinar" opportunity to explore the inner landscape of our thoughts and beliefs. Are you ready to take the journey?
Click here to go to Oprah’s website. You can purchase A New Earth at amazon.com, at the link to the right. Class starts Monday evening March 3rd (7:00 pm Mountain Time).

Reconciling Energy

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity Prayer

There are things I’m unable to change in my outer world until I do the inner work. I have certainty I can change my perceptions, positions, and beliefs, and when I do, I’ll see the change reflected in the world around me.

Recently, I’ve been digesting my four months of being coached, which included journaling, maintaining a regular relaxation and spiritual practice, and reviewing the four-day intensive, where I journeyed to San Diego. So many benefits came from my journey of looking deeply at every aspect of my life. It’s time to reconcile my energy, and acknowledge the path I walk every day, with humility and honor.

Reconciling my energy, to me, means living my life with as much consciousness and passion as possible. As I move through this human life, walking a spiritual path, and having fun along the way, will all my actions always reflect my beliefs? Probably not. I’m human. But bringing more consciousness to my actions daily when they aren't in alignment with my beliefs will allow me to know when I’m on course toward what I say I want to create in my life. That doesn’t mean I beat myself up when I’m charting off course, or listing out to sea. In fact, that’s really the time to bring precious compassion and love to myself. I steer back toward what I know is true and kind to my nature, and bring the sails closer into my center. I owe myself true loving-kindness, and at my core, that self-love will spiral outward, creating a more loving world.

I’ve reflected on so many ways I chose to make myself “wrong” in the past. It’s almost comical. I can come up with new self-realizations about why I do what I do, on a daily basis. I'll be making my bed, and all of the sudden, I will "awaken" to another belief that doesn't serve my highest good.

One of these beliefs was a core belief that I needed to be “strong and stoic” in the world and I made it “wrong” to show my sensitive nature in public. The truth is that I feel emotions deeply, and when I emote, it’s a very healthy release, and a sign of strength, that I can “be with” who I am. I realize where I took on the belief that being sensitive was “wrong” (at a very tender age, about four years old), and why (survival; a mother who was challenged with her own issues and her being bi-polar). The great thing is, I now get to honor my sensitivity, and know that’s just a beautiful, gentle aspect of my personality. I don't make my mother wrong, either. She was exactly who she needed to be, for me to be who I am. I get to see where I’ve attracted people who reinforced my “cover-up” of my sensitive nature; I’ve also attracted people who have “covered up” their sensitivity, too. Even if they aren’t in my life any more, I am grateful for their gifts, and what I have learned about myself in my knowing them. And I can love them, let them go, and allow them be who they need to be.

Change is an inevitable part of life. The flower might start as a seed, and if planted in the right spot, and nurtured, it will blossom, bloom, wither, pass, and be recycled into the earth. Nature doesn’t fight itself. There is a cycle, and all of nature moves with ease through its cycle. People are different than plants. Yet life really does operate with ease, if there is the belief that there is ease. If I hold on to one belief or something in the physical world too strongly, I might miss that reconciling energy that allows me something even greater than I could have imagined, with ease and little effort. I now look a new adventure in living every day. I spend time inviting change into my life and allow a “new” way of being, thinking, and feeling to permeate my life.

Each day, I choose change in an amazing, fun way.

Beliefs, Addictions, and Habits (Oh My!)

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.

Dorothy, to her dog Toto,
The Wizard of Oz

I’m human; I do it. I repeat the very things that don't work in my life. As I work on my own life, beliefs, addictions, and habits spring forth. I’m currently managing a pattern that has reared its ugly head in my life. Again. Meaning, not the first time. Only, now I know, I created this habitual way of being, and I possess new skills and some mindful ways to transform my experience. I've stopped reacting and begun responding, utilizing improved approaches to old habits.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

attributed to Albert Einstein,
US (German-born) physicist (1879–1955)

When I find myself some place in my life that isn’t working for me, chances are, I’ve become attached like Velcro to a belief or a behavior that has brought the very thing I despise into my life. With consciousness, I can choose another belief or behavior, and change what isn’t working and create I actually want in my life. The belief of deserving a great life has to be paramount. Admitting a situation isn’t working for me becomes my catalyst. My emotions tell me right away whether something is working or not. Taking 100% responsibility for the choices that pointed me to pain, suffering, and self-discovery becomes my next step.

Responsibility: the ability to respond. Deciding to do something differently moves me closer to stepping into my own power, and having what I want.



I quit lying to myself. Everyone lies. We lie mostly to ourselves. It’s a part of our humanity. We want to believe the things we perceive as “bad things” that happen to us are going to stop happening. (I am reminded of the television show, The X-Files, and the poster that the F.B.I. character Mulder had hanging in his office). There is no "out there", though. That is a lie that I think I believed for a long time. We create the "bad things" as well as the "good things" in our lives. That's hard to swallow, but that's my responsibility to accept. Then, to be totally honest and true to my nature opens me up to vulnerability. That can be scary or liberating. It's my choice how to perceive my true nature. Acting with bravado and concealing my emotions masks what’s really going on internally. Another lie. Light years from my true nature.

If I’m dealing with a situation involving another person, it’s beneficial to honor that person’s true nature, too, whether I respond positively or negatively to “who they are”. If the resonance between us is “negative”, chances are, there's a huge lesson to learn from this person for myself, since people tend to mirror back the aspects of my nature I’d rather not acknowledge or deal with or even might even despise in myself. I get to honestly examine my beliefs and habits, and when I quit lying to myself, I have a chance to expand my thinking. I collect information to explore the best way for me to make my choices work, in a productive and positive manner, from the heart more than the head, and then I take action. I can’t indulge in “magical thinking”. Magical thinking is the belief that if I think my situation will be different, it will somehow be different.

Magical thinking doesn’t work with abusers who promise they will never abuse again. Magical thinking doesn’t work for those who have experienced some form of abuse. Magical thinking doesn’t work with addicts who say they will quit their addiction cold-turkey. I define addiction as a dependency to a behavior, emotion, or external substance. Magical thinking won’t curb food addictions, chemical addictions, and emotional and behavioral addictions.

A strong belief showing up as a self-righteous stance might be an addiction. I think of a righteous position as a sort of metaphysically drawn “line in the sand”, a belief created to divide; it’s me versus them. That one-way inclination of thinking alienates me from people, so in the end, the crusade becomes me versus me. I could choose to judge a situation, a group of people, a whole country for something as insignificant as what foot they use to take a step with first when walking. Something tells me big wars and small misunderstandings escalate from the belief of "I'm right and you're wrong". Relationships become stretched and strained to the breaking point. Recognizing and letting go of my self-righteous positions opens me up to infinite freedom and gratitude for the present moment. It’s the false ego-self that craves the nourishment of self-righteousness. Feed the ego-self sustained and fueled with a righteous position, and there’s a guaranteed battle brewing for the future; an fierce internal conflict where there are absolutely no victors.

Sometimes moving forward and taking action necessitates external assistance. Assistance can look like counseling and therapy, hypnotherapy, life coaching, a spiritual practitioner, or simply reaching out to friends and family. I’m here on this planet with about 6,642,398,998 other people. Someone out there may have a fresh perspective about a situation I’m experiencing and desiring change with. Reaching out to someone offers fresh ideas to my experience. There are people in my life who see the truth of who I am, when I’ve misplaced my inner knowing between where I’ve been and where I’m going. I am grateful to know “you’re out there”.

Virtual Me

It’s an amazing world where I can shop online, even for clothing, and have that clothing delivered to my door days later.

It’s wintertime here in Colorado. Today was an unusually balmy day, in the low 60s. The area is expecting snow in the coming days. Winter isn’t the usual time of year most people think about purchasing a swimsuit. In fact, most women I know become fear-stricken at the thought of standing in a public department store dressing room, in harsh fluorescent lighting, facing three strategically angled mirrors, viewing their very own body with criticism and self-loathing, by squeezing into a swimsuit.

My exercise routine these days consists of traveling to the local recreation center’s pool, every other day, and being in the water to stretch, walk, and do what I can to create more flexibility in my body. My left foot continues to be swollen from November’s surgery, and the water actually helps my foot a lot. I also get to spend some time in the jetted hot tub, and that hot water helps my muscles relax a little. So a new swimsuit was in order, and alternating between the suits I have will help them all last longer.

I admit, shopping for a swimsuit for myself had been an activity reaching the excitement level of cleaning my cat’s litter box. That is, until I took the swimsuit I wanted to consider buying and “try it on” virtually. Most women in the U.S are hypercritical of their bodies, and maybe we women have made it “mean” something about having a physical body that isn’t like a supermodel. I do my best to love my body just as it is. I’m taking action to help my body feel and look better on a daily basis. Water aerobics is just one way to love myself. It's a nice, playful way for me to be in my body, too.

Although I think the Virtual Me is a little flattering, and I could point out each and every one of my physical flaws, the virtual drawing isn’t too far off from what I look like. I entered my “fit” profile information, including options of hair length and color, if I’m a “more mature” face, my skin color, and this is the most fun way to “try on ” a swimsuit that I ever had. I received the suit in the mail, and it fits great!

It wasn’t in the gene pool for me to have long model legs, or a long model torso. At 5 foot 0 inches, I am what I am, and I work with what I am, and where I want to go. Fitness and nutrition is a daily choice. Beliefs also are my daily choices. Fitness and beauty comes from the inside out, from a peaceful spirit, willing to grow, expand, and explore. And I can be happy in this very moment, as I am, because I know happiness is a conscious choice.

As Is

Photo Credit: Lori Shin

Right now my livelihood exists between two worlds. I have certifications in reflexology and hypnotherapy, and enjoy working with people with these amazing healing modalities. My income bread and butter, so to speak, is graphic design. Graphic design and production work has been something I can depend on, and have worked in the field for over twenty-five years. Possessing a BFA in Advertising Design, I focus primarily on printed work, from packaging, to brochures. I’ve seen a lot of changes in the graphics industry, since I produced work way before computers handed accessibility to virtually anyone who could maneuver a mouse. I do my best to “do my best” for my clients, with my creativity, availability time-wise, charging a reasonable fee for my services, to encourage continued and steady work, and I ask questions and communicate clearly, so I provide my clients with the end result their clients need.

I run a “virtual” office out of my home these days, which is pretty fun. My commute takes a couple of seconds, I save on filling the auto with octane, I can stop to console my sometimes overly vocal cat, Sturgis, and brew myself a cup of fragrant herbal tea, choosing my beverage by my mood, energy, and craving. I stay in constant contact with the “team” of people I work with, through web-based e-mail and Skype.

An inexpensive yet capable set of speakers attached to my computer provides ongoing entertainment through my workday, if I choose. As I work on various graphic files, I opt to listen from an extensive menu of satisfying sound choices. My iTunes library has music for every mood, and sometimes I set iTunes to shuffle through my diverse musical library. When it comes to my favorite internet-radio selections, my tastes explore inspirational, metaphysical programming from Hayhouse Radio.com (click here for a website link) to eclectic music like Radio Paradise.com, where I never know what I might hear. I trust something will get my little brain-wheels turning, or bring a smile to my heart. Something old, something new, something familiar, something foreign, I open myself to whatever ends up on my life's daily playlist.

Ani DiFranco, photo credit: Danny Clinch

Someone I hold dear in my heart gave me a CD she didn’t want for her own music collection. I accepted the music gladly. The artist/musician Ani DiFranco expresses her unique view of the world with her personal reflection; raw and revealing, compassionate and passion-driven music and word. Ani approaches her musical craft with vitality, wisdom, and gusto. I appreciate her humor, her insight, and her devotion to unify her creativity with her local and global community. I’ve purchased several of her CDs in the past, so this new music was a welcome addition to my collection. Explore Ani and her independent recording label, righteousbabe.com.

Ani DiFranco’s own hand-picked essential collection spanning 1990-2006 is called Canon, released in 2007. In a visually thoughtful designed packaged two-disc set, this assortment invites listeners to the perfect introduction to a very influential recording artist and woman. (DiFranco’s packaging has won graphic accolades in the past.)

I’ve provided the lyrics of one song from Canon entitled “As Is". A gentle, lyrical song-journey glimpse into anyone’s shadow self, sort of a simple musical snapshot, this song brings a smile to my day. (If you load it into iTunes and have the repeat one mode selected, it's a flawless loop.)

As I continue working (on wholeness in my world, while working diligently for my clients and their deadlines), I relish in being in the place of “as is”, dismissing judgment, and welcoming the humanness of just "being"; absolutely conscious to welcoming whatever comes my way. (You can order this tune, also featured on the Ani DiFranco CD entitled Little Plastic Castle using the iTunes link on the right side of this blog page.)

as is
you can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely
cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but i've got no
problem with that really

what bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying
what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me
is that while you're telling me stories
you actually
believe that they are real

and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is

just give up
and admit you're an asshole
you would be
in some good company
i think you'd find
that your friends would forgive you
or maybe i
am just speaking for me

cuz when i look around
i think this, this is good enough
and i try to laugh
at whatever life brings
cuz when i look down
i just miss all the good stuff
when i look up
i just trip over things

and i've got
no illusions about you...
cuz i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i say
when i say i'll take it
i mean,
i mean as is...

...as is...

Ani DiFranco

When I Miss the Mark

Immersed in the 12th week of the 18 week Breakthrough Coaching Course, I get to observe where my strengths are, as well as my weaknesses. We are coached and asked to gauge our level of responsibility on a one to ten scale (one being the lowest and ten being fully responsible) in areas of our lives, both in the life wheel we are currently working in, and as a whole, as we operate in our lives. Yesterday, my responsibility level plunged to the lowest level in the whole 18 weeks. What a perfect opportunity to see how I operate, and the underlying commitments I have created in my life, the energy I put into the various “life wheel” sections of my being, and busting myself in excuse-mode.

I was definitely “full on” the responsibility mark for yesterday morning. I returned to the local rec center after a long hiatus due to foot pain, and I spent 30 minutes in the “lazy river” resistance pool. I walked against the current, forward and backward, using as much of my body as I could. I swam against the current, and imagined myself immersed in a river of loving-kindness and forgiveness. The challenge of my moving through the water was surprisingly moving and swimming not against the current, but with the water’s movement. My dogpaddling with the current challenged my body and I found more of a workout than I could have imagined. Could this be a clue as to how I operate in my life? Do I surrender my power to my resistance, or to the “flow” and move with ease through my life? Who or what underlying belief am I surrendering myself to? Who do I allow to be right when I take an action that’s not in alignment with my highest self? And do I consistently beat myself up for something I said, did, or thought in my past, and how does that impact my present moment? I was flooded by the synchronicity with my need to move in water at this time in my life. Water is the element of emotion. I have plenty of emoting these days, recognizing I pretty much dammed my feelings in my body, and through the support I’ve been receiving from friends and coaching, as well as my connection with Source energy, this was my time to release and let those emotions float out of my energy field. What a huge exploration and opportunity to work and play with the watery side of my persona. As a strong Taurus (Sun and Moon), I tend to be tethered and earth-bound, very grounded and sometimes way too practical, but my ascendant or rising sign is Cancer, a water sign, and I have the tendency to be very fluid when I allow myself to express and move. What a blessing to take the time with myself and love myself enough to go deeper with the precious practice of allowing the water element to be my teacher.

As I was drying off and dressing, I met a nice woman named Jodi in the locker room, and as we chatted, she mentioned her impending surgery on her knee, scheduled in mid-January. We commiserated about various things, including enjoying all the center’s facilities, spending time without significant movement, and the challenge that situation presents, and connecting through text messaging. I haven’t explored that part of cell phonedom, but I see the wisdom in sending a fleeting thought moment-in-time to someone, and Jodi recollected a message from her college-aged son. Texting “I’m ok, love you Mom” to her cell phone over a year ago, that message brings her so much pleasure and happiness today as it did when it was sent. As I gave an understanding smile and walked toward the exit at a slower than forty-nine year-old pace, with my throbbing foot in enclosed shoe, Tom Petty’s lyrics rang out of the recreation center’s stereo system, into my consciousness:

Somewhere, somehow somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you wanna lay there
And revel in your abandon
Listen it don't make no difference to me baby
Everybody's had to fight to be free
You see you don't have to live like a refugee
Now baby you don't have to live like a refugee

Tom Petty, Refugee

I missed one of my buddy calls yesterday. Buddy calls are a part of the Breakthrough process of coaching. We schedule one or two calls with our buddies a week. I enjoy these calls enormously. I learn from my two “buddies” and hopefully, I offer something of benefit to my buddies, too. We get to build a support system and accept accountability in the coaching process in addition to our weekly homework, daily or weekly practices to move us forward and our weekly conference calls. Our interactions reflect our external world, too. I could bring several excuses to the table about missing my call with my buddy. I rather take full responsibility to recognize when I miss the mark. I know I wasn’t in alignment with my desire to create a supportive and accountable environment with my buddy. It bummed me out, since I really do desire more and deeper relationships. I was serving “two masters”. The everyday drama of work was an excuse to not be present. Busted again.



I was determined to bring myself in alignment yesterday with some issues. This past weekend, I had reduced more of my clutter by going into my somewhat cluttered closets and relinquishing my attachments to outdated electronics and unworn clothing (including the outfit I was married in). I know I still could reduce more, and every time I do this clutter clearing, I feel a bit lighter. I breathe easier. When I had chosen the clothes to “move on and out”, I thanked the various fabrics and notions for the comfort and covering they had given to me. Folding my white linen embroidered blouse and matching skirt, and light blue sash-fabric belt I got married in reminded me of one of the happiest days of my life. Holding on to those clothes can’t diminish nor add to that beautiful memory. Energetically my ex-husband had moved forward with his life and somehow, by holding onto these feminine textile mementos, I stayed stuck. It was definitely time for me to move on with as much grace as possible. I had no reason to have these clothes in my space.

There was always more “stuff” to dispose of. I grabbed a black plastic garbage bag, rummaged some more in my closet, through plastic containers, and tossed old floppy disks, shredded old bank and utility statements. I ran across some necessary-to-keep items, filed them immediately, and promised to again review the “stuff” of my physical world and hone my clutter-clearing eye toward a more peaceful environment.

As I sought actions in what would help me be more in alignment with what I desired in my life, I ended up tripping myself up throughout the whole day. I had my car filled with all of these giveaway items I was “releasing”. I stuffed the back seat of my car with brown cardboard boxes of comfortable clothing, old audio equipment, various useful-to-someone else’s household products, and even some unwanted food I wasn’t ever going to use, and gingerly drove off in the slushy weather to the local thrift store, which also serves as a food bank. As I headed out, I hadn’t grabbed my brown canvas print purse, and it occurred to me I was driving around town without my license or proof of insurance. I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it brought me to another deep reality check. Mostly because of some job-related drama that I really didn’t want to partake in I was operating out of alignment. I wasn’t totally present in my body, and lapsed into reaction-mode. I realized I have more work to do in the work/career area of my life wheel, and the reason I attract drama into my work and career. Some days are better off being “mental health” days.

When I returned home, I promised to check in with myself, journal, breathe, treat myself with gentleness instead of using the psychic baseball bat to beat myself up.

I have the tools needed to bring myself back to the present moment.

Serving Two Masters and Integrity

I will admit it; I’m not a Bible reader. I think the Bible has a lot of very deep and profound messages to offer on life. I don’t even think I own a Bible. There are messages that resonate with me and come through me from a place that’s beyond my ego self, and some even from the Bible. When those messages come through, I dwell deep within that wisdom that is beyond me, yet within me; I look at what the message means to me, and how my life reflects that message.

When I feel like I’m operating in a place that isn’t in faith, trust, and love, I ponder this message that has come through my consciousness repeatedly for many years:

"No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."

Matthew 6:24

My interpretation:

"When one thinks, says, or believes one way, yet one’s holds an opposing belief, or takes actions reflecting something not in alignment or the same energy to the first thought, conversation, or belief, the strongest belief will “win” out. One cannot serve two opposing beliefs."

I had to look up mammon. (Details, details.) A rough definition is “wealth regarded as an evil influence”. I thought since that word didn’t work for me in this instance, and the word God doesn’t work for a lot of people, instead I put my own words in for substitution.

I believe there is the duality of our humanness. I am the shadow and I am the light. I couldn’t delight in the joy of my world without the contrast of the despair that I might experience with something taking place in my world. I believe I am the “the alpha and the omega”, as are you. We are connected by energy, an energy of oneness. Our world is a reflection of our energy. The integration of my human self with my spiritual higher self allows me to feel that connectedness.

Yet, when I hold a thought about the desire to be abundant, and look around and don’t hold beauty and value in this very moment with my life as it is right now, to me, I am serving two masters. And the strongest belief wins out

In the Ford Institute for Integrative Coaching’s Breakthrough Program’s eleventh class, we are talking about integrity. Integrity is serving the one master. To me, integrity is when one’s actions, conversations, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings are in congruent or in alignment. When someone is operating with integrity in the world, their core beliefs and conversations mirror their actions. That person takes responsibility for who they are and how they operate in the world. There is no “lip service” of hearing someone say one thing and doing another thing; that person reflects what they say and believe in their actions. That person is congruent.

I’ve looked at the past and know fully where I was not in integrity. Those reflections aren’t proud memories for me. When I can, I did my best to correct what I was able to fix, as long as the fix wasn’t using my retired tools of guilt, manipulation, and projection. Some things I may never have the ability to fix. I acknowledge the work I’ve done in this area of my life and the work I continue to do on a daily basis. My key to this daily work is the energy of forgiveness. I have had to forgive myself for a lot of things I have done in my life I wasn’t proud of. I don’t hold resentments or ill will to anyone, living or dead. Say what you will about Dr. Phil, but I really like his ten life laws. Life Law Number Nine is: There is Power in Forgiveness. Forgiveness frees up my energy and helps me to take responsibility for my emotional well-being. I also continuously ask for support with my journey from people, since I really want to create an extraordinary life with the tools I am learning to use, and reaching out for support offers me accountability. I enjoy being a support to someone’s transformational journey, too.

I strive to be more conscious of serving the master of love instead of fear.